Colorless

Its been so long since i logged into this. I lost my user name and then my pass, heh. I managed to log into only after 2-3 attempts but it was more like because my mind isn't right here.

I remember this same day today like a couple of years back and i look at it now. What has changed? Has the graph gone upwards or downwards? The graph has been static? Is it a graph when its static? Avoice says, oh there is so much noise and we are so silent but i was always silent. Its nothing new. I was as silent in all those years as i am now.

But she is right, there is noise, there is movement and uneasy voices across the horizon. Lights, haze, noise, color, mad rush, movement. While you stand amid all that movement watching all of it rise and then fall only to rise again and fall with the flow. when everything else is highlighted you tend to see a lot more of the dark spots.

i still hear the voices, the hatred, the silence of sound when the spirit breaks into a negative triumph. Everyone who says i am the most negative person doesn't understand me at all. How else do u explain the small desires that still breed after being wiped moment after moment, day after day, week after week, years after years. A desire, a small harmless desire. Not of money or material stuff, not of a false ego trip, not of things i see around me but one desire of that one moment which can even out all the years of silence. That one moment when everything else would not exist, that blissful moment when the spirit would triumph with no strings attached. I know i have no future in THAT sense but that one moment is more than a lifetime. Thats the only thing i am chasing.
That one moment.

Till that happens its all colorless as i see all the coloring around me here tonight. Whats colorless? its simply the lack of color. Whats black, its just the absence of white. I wish some light could shine down for me to live that one moment before my countdown ends and i fade with nothing but the may be's and have not's.

I still feel that hug.

Am i connected?
Is there anyone out there?

You can't leave
You won't leave, right?
Are u there or have u gone already?
I cant stand and stare at the leaving you, can i?
Ive stared at so many things, ive seen them moving away, moving fast as everything stood frozen, moving past the teras, the innocence, the spirit which came back to look at it again. To look, to feel, to stare...
All the hate, just to be standing free in a moment.
I saw all that but this...
I cant see this happening.
But will it change anything??
Is this a sign trying to show itself to me from the clouds?
thats the only thing left to stare right?
i wish i could stare at you instead...

I don't even hear when I think aloud
Wearing the darkness with an empty smile :)

Am I holding out, for the day when all the clouds will go away?
When I'm with you again?

But don't i already see clearly through the clouds that covered me?
Torn in all directions? Is there any other direction left?
Would u ever know? Would i ever tell you?
Who are you and why would you care?
and even if u care, what can u do?
You are as helpless as me or perhaps helpless to the cause rather.

Every direction there is hatred. Not that i am scared of it anymore because ive spent so much time with all that but its such a sinking feeling. Not similar to drowning but sinking.

Frozen in these moments while the world passes you by and one day when u look around it would all be so different. like someone waking up from a comma? I saw some signs during that dinner. It was like a bullet train had passed though my head.
I see images in my mind, in my sleep. i wake up and see real images and i cant sleep and when i do i see more images. I hear voices in my sleep, when i am awake i overhear more voices. I see hatred when i am sleeping and hatred when im awake.
Is all this worth it in the end? will it even out eventually?
No its not worth it and nothing can even anything out.
Am i bitter? No i am not bitter , i am just frozen.
I overhear voices...

Who is 'S'?

So its getting a routine affair? The days ahead would answer this strange wierd thing ive felt today. Again a draining sesion at the gym, followed by another major low. I could almost break down after i was coming out. This was supposed to give me a momentary high, an adneraline rush or whatever but its not working for the last two sessions atleast. Is it the feeling of going back to the same shit everyday? But i try not to think about that so it could not be that i think. Or may be its the music or the people? I did a very draining cardio session today but my body doesnt feel drained now. Its wierd.
Some people like to talk while doing weights. Some do it in groups to help motivate them and lift more than their partner i guess. I trained alone today. I dont like to talk while i train. I hardly talk during the day anyway.
On a different note, i think i now know whats going to happen. I can now see it. Its not a gut feeling thing but i can almost visualise the future. Dont ask me what i see because it makes my soul cry. Its the worst feeling in the world. A feeling of loosing, a feeling of silence and taintedness, of the may be's, the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all.

One year from now? Ive been in this hole for the past 3 years. does anyone know? does anyone care? Its killed so much in me that i dont have much to look forward to. Each road you take is one big mistake. I think i'll be gone soon but would it end all this? I have no idea.

"Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever." - Lance Armstrong

Its been almost a month. A month of silence, a month of waking up dead in the middle of the nights with a sudden strange current showcasing harsher realities, a month of unhealthy words, unhealthy physical traits, unhealthy monetary realties sinking hopes with each passing day, well each passing moment. Thinking most times with that prism. trying to let go of the only thing i have some hope to look forward to. Why would a man kill the ONLY thing that he loves. The only thing that can kill all the bitterness or perhaps i am running ahead of myself?
Its been one month but ive almost lived moments.
Red should now be blue perhaps. may be even black.
I am not at ease with myself.
One month,heh

Red

Can a sidey movie have an impossibly good song? I was surfing Tv channels one afternoon or late evening i think and i came across this movie which was about to end and was playing this song in its closing titles. My first impression was skeptical, ya sufi tunes are just fad and so its just monkey see, monkey do but then i watched the full thing which was about 2 minutes long and it wasnt what i was thinking. It had some soul and so i thought whats this laal, laal thing about? Surely it cant be the movie, or is it? I didnt even know which movie it was. So then last night since i had noone and i really wanted to talk so i though i could search that song? But how do you search a song? I didnt know who the singer was, what movie it was and it wasnt a routine famous song. Anyways i thought it must be from some sidey movie like Red or something like that but i checked it and it wasnt in its list. Hmm so then i had to do some research. Finally i found the song. it was surely a misfit in the movie but its got no association with the movie anyway. Although the song has 3 versions but i think this song could have been bettered. Now i am no musician but something in me tells me, its not reached its potential somehow.
Ok so red? Red is considered to be a very energetic, vibrant color which symbolises passion and heat yeah? Passion is the word i think. Thats what red has to do with the song. Red is not one of my favoured colors but i am now thinking about it after i realised life can simply change in a second. From having dreams and desires, it can change into silence and no plans and schemes.

Cultural symbolism of Red.

• In Japan red is a traditional color for a heroic figure.
• In ancient China, red was the symbol of fire and the south, and is one of the main five classical colors.
• In the Indian Sub-continent, red is the traditional color of bridal dresses, and is frequently represented in the media as a symbolic color for married women.
• In Chinese culture and Chinese symbolism, red is the color of good luck and success, and is used for decoration
• In Russia, red (красный) represents beauty.
• Red is associated in Roman mythology with the god of war, Mars, and the reddish planet Mars became named after him.

You Are Crimson Red

Down to earth and warm-hearted, you instantly make everyone feel at ease around you. And while you have an understated passion - you lack the uncontrolled passion of most other reds. You prefer to sit back and enjoy every situation life has to offer. You put an optimistic spin on everything. And even when things are going well, you don't get too amped up. You prefer to keep your emotions as steady as possible.

What Color Red Are You?

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood,
and I-- I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference...

-Robert Frost

Hmm ok why this ? well apart from the literary beauty of this poem is that it has a universal appeal. We all have been at some place where we need to choose one road, infact on second thoughts every moment there is a choice to make i guess. Now what i dont understand is that when he didnt travel the other road, how is he comparing? how does he know what difference that wud have made? I think we can look back and join the events with an imaginary line (remember joining the dots back). I like the glance, the stare, heh. anyways more sensible posts later.

I woke up today with a heavy head and some pain in my upper neck and shoulder blades running down to my mid back. So then I took my time and took it easy and by the time i was ready it was already close to noon. Not that i had any appointment or i had to meet someone or go somewhere but still, heh

So then i went down to may be eat something and suddenly my mind was thinking about myself and what i had heard some days back and what i generally hear about myself. I dont know if it was ok to compare my reality with what others say but i was just thinking while my heart was sinking. Then suddenly while i was thinking, i thought about someone i had to let go off. This was going to be the hardest thing to do for me. To let go. I dont want to but i am not sure i deserve it. So yeah the taintedness will catch up here as well. Ive had a bad weekend. Is this the sign of things to come?

Ok talking of Signs, I wanted to click this tree which was sick and leafless but it stood amid the green and the flowers and it stood naked and without fear. Once it was a blooming tree but now it was just a body of decay but it stood its ground. To me that tree amid all the gren was a symbol of strength. I liked that tree. It was probably the only thing i liked in this house.

I wanted to capture it in the last few months but for some reason i wasnt able to do so, and suddenly while i was coming back to my room today i glanced towards the garden and was shocked. It lay dead as people were chopping it down to its root. Why did they have to kill the most beautiful tree? Someone ordered it to be cut off as it was a scar on the rest of the garden's beauty but to me it was the one beautiful.

I had to capture the dying tree atleast. I kicked myself for not being able to capture it when it was standing. So then i started my hunt for a cam and i got involved in those stupid arguments. Even a small thing like asking for a cam can becme a major fighting force for me which leads to more tainted noises, which acts as a catlyst to for the heart to sink, for the mind to shrug, for the isolation to laugh, for the pains to roar, for the innocence to die. silently, with no hope, just like that tree.

These battered hands are all you own
This broken heart has turned to stone
You're out of time
You're out of place
Look at your face
That's the measure of a man?


It's the fire in the eyes
the lines on the hand
It's the things you understand
Permanent ties from which you once ran
That's the measure of a man

Back on the beat
back to the start
Trust in your heart
That's the measure of a man

You've come full cirlce
Now you're home
Without the gold, without the chrome
And this is where you've always been
You had to lose so you could win
And rise above your troubles while you can
Now you can love
Now you can lose
Now you can choose

That's the measure of a man

As I listen to AR Rehman's Taj song about universal love for the n'th time in my auto loop, i sit n think. Think about a lot of my stuff which for now seems useless to write. When the closest and the furthest someone who would listen to you and feel you is you alone, there is nothing left to write after reaching that dead end. I don't think i would blame anyone. Its just me.

Posting a transcript of a conversation happening inside me as i sit and listen to Ek Mohabbat by AR Rehman.

M(ind): Can you love someone that you actually let them go because of that love?

H(eart): but would anyone know? Not Quite..

M: So?

H: do you know how it feels to let go of love?

M: *shrug*

M: So you what would be the change even if someone or a lot of them knew? How ould that change it? Are you beautiful only if THEY tell you?

H: You don't know how it feels. You don't know how it feels to be me

M: yes but i can touch the realities of this world.

H: and you dont even know whats between a memory and a dream, You don't know how it feels to be me.

M: *shrug*


H: heh ok and i'll talk about Tom Petty later, if someone would want to hear.

M: You think anyone cares about what you write or think or what happened with you yesterday?

M: Get real and Get a life.

H: Life,? Would i have one if i let go?

H: You know, M, i let go of most things hoping that someday all would even out and all things cannot be just one sided. Now after letting go of everyhting i am thinking of letting go of this ONE thing. The only thing i will ever have.

M: Well but life is not sunshine and rainbows

H: Looks around @ world

M: THEY and You, heh

H: I know what u mean *sinking feeling*

H: but noone knows what happened that lead to all this reality you like so much

M: You couldnt beat those odds. You Lost.

H: I just let go. Ive never spoken about those days to anyone.

M: yeah none would care anyway, heh

H: No i didnt tell anyone because of 2 reasons. One was that i didnt have anyone secondly do would i be good or bad if they tell me? I am ugly or beautiful only when i am judged?

M: *shug*

M: Ok what about AR Rehman?

H: Oh Yeah, the TAJ campaign. See they want people to vote. Would Taj be beautiful only if it wins the campaign?

M: I dont understand what you say.



H: I like the Taj but not because of its architecture. You know how many skilled people lost their lives while it was being built and after it was built? We talk of Love and how its a symbol of love but what about the love of those craftsmen for their craft. What happens to their love? Their love less than the king for his Queen? But se the irony here, the same emperor was forced to watch the Taj from a small window from his jail's small window after he was dethroned. He died while staring at it. Taj is beautiful, its white and its wonderful but do you see the filth around it? People want to vote and those same people would litter around when they visit the Taj next. They are happy that their vote made a winning bid. I dont need any vote or poll to tell me whats wonderful for me in this world. I am not going to vote. i do not belive in these polls. Taj wins or looses that poll, its would not matter one bit.

M: Arent you being kinda wierd? Its the & new wonders of the modern world. Its the biggest poll on the planet. everyone's voting.

H: You want me to do something that i cannot convince my heart into doing?

M: Your heart just has all those scars and future plans of letting go in silence.

H: Lets not talk about letting go, Not when we talk love and not when i listen to this Taj song and that one line *sigh*

M: This is the problem with you Mr. H

M: Look at me, i dont have such fancies

M: Reality!!

H: You don't know how it feels to be me.

M: I dont think you are going to vote. Just 1 day to go. Think about it.

H: *laugh*

H: The days ahead are going to be dark.

M: We were discussing Taj?

H: I dont't care.

H: Love is above the polls, the monuments, the world, the THEY, the Practicals of life, the Realities.

M: Typical H, heh

H: You don't know how it feels to be me.



Anyways for those of you who think M has a point, you can vote for you wonders of this world here and for those who think H has a point, well would it matter? heh

I feel like i am going to die soon. I feel blank and without any enthusiasm at all. I feel this feeling is SO real right now. You cry when ur hurt because you want to be in the positive zone raher than the low but i dont feel like crying. i cant feel any difference.
All those tears would go to waste.
The world has already won and i just have to acknowledge it perhaps.
Concede defeat?
self Destruct?
but would that help? even if it is momentary, it can be worth it.
But i found some love?
Is that misplaced?
will it survive?
Would i just die?
Should i just wait?
or
i hate this.
I wish i had some hope, something.
i am trying all avenues.
All blocked?
Everything shows me one road
The road to destruction
or
would it be an end to the misery?
I had nothing in life but atleats i had some dreams which made me walk trough the abuses and the hatred and all the stuff i face each day.
Now i cant dream.
i feel dead already.

Cliff!
but
Ohne dich kann ich nicht sein, Ohne dich
(Without you I cannot be, Without you)

As the days move on, my desire to write is diminishing. But if i do not write here then i have no other outlet at all. Its been so long since i spoke. I do not know if writing helps in the long run but it might help momentarily. Help? I was having a shower some minutes ago and i was shivering. It was such a helpless feeling. The feeling you get when your body is staic but your mind wanders into the past and the present and feels nothingness. Yes feel and not touch. So you feel all those things which you were better off touching and you would never feel the other things.

I don't know what to write, ive been almost in a unbelieveably low state in the past one hour or so. Today after i overheard stuff another part of my spirit surely died. It would never be back again. It can never be the same again. No matter what the circumstances but my spirit is dying each moment. I try n stop it to bleed to death but wounds keep opening.

Helplessnes is the worst feeling in the world. Ive heard about trying and doing your best with good intent and it would bring in positive vibes. Thats good but all that ive only heard or read. I have never witnessed it. I dont think that is true. Its a facade. Basically lonliness attracts misery and thats it.

...A couple of days ago i was in such a different zone, I felt so human and so heroic within myself. I had a 50 minute conversation. Even if most of it was just listening but it was like feeling through someone else. Things that you can never feel otherwise. Its like you have a window and somone comes into its focus and shows u stuff from their lifes. Stuff that can be boring, or interesting or normal or abnormal but you close your eyes and feel it. What a wonderful feeling to feel something. and then reality hits you, and you look around. You look in the mirror and look at your face. I have 2 windows. Dont know for how long they would last but i like gazing through these two windows.

...and today in the last few hours my mind is looking at everything is such a helpless state. I thought i would talk to someone about it and then reality hits again.

The days ahead are going to be dark.

Self destruct in 3 months?

If you ever find out this reality of mine, would you ever call?

I am not scared of THAT reality. I would be content when it finally comes. Winning or loosing wont matter then. It would just be a physical act. An act of a someone who tried but who could never stand. Leave alone standing on a cliff.

Is all this pain worth it? This life is not worth it.
i feel dreamless
i feel blank
i cant take this hatred.
im crying.

kasme vaade pyaar vafaa sab, baaten hain baaton kaa kyaa
koi kisi kaa nahin ye jhute, naate hain naaton kaa kyaa

Touch

You can touch but you can never feel. But unless you feel, the act of touching is meaningless isn't it? Isnt Touch: The act of putting two things together with no space between them. heh

So i think about stuff in life that i would never be able to touch (feel). But why think of something thats not going to happen? why not think of something thats not surreal and something closer to reality. But what if i say i am fed up of thinking of the reality surrounding me. I fight it in my sleep, on my desk, in my thoughts, in my mind, in my head, in my talk, in my senses. In my heart i don't like it. but then this cannot be a story just like that. Its like watching a play from the middle. You just assume what might have happened in the past. If this is reality then i fail to acknowledge it at all. it cannot be because it means nothing.

So my reality is a result of some past which i don't recall but the nature does? well it sounds like giving up to the twist of fate or irony of fate or karma but nothing else makes much sense. Frankly i don't care about what happened in the past because my mind cannot read it, its been recycled. So u pay for something u dont even know. And then you hope u repay with each fading hope. You stand up, try n hope "oh this might work now". But perhaps the past is too steep. I dont regret it. If given a chance to find out the reason i wouldnt want to know. i would only want to know the reason about stuff in this present life form. but then that again is like watching the play from some tme interval to the other.

This was supposd to be the best years of my life? Youth remember? But Youth fades away like shadows into the night with each hole in the soul, heh. If i survive and grow old in my life, i would have changed much. The fun element has been deleted from my script. So even if i get all the riches or all the fun its not going to be worth it. I often think if this is really worth it all? Dont know where my Ayn Randism is in this moment of weakness.

I would trade that for one smile, one Touch, and possibly one *hug*. As the time flies by, as the world turns, as the world runs and wins yet again everytime i hear stories. i sit, i wait, for that one moment. That one touch, that would make me real.

Can you picture, what it will be? Ohh So limitless and free...

Fearless

As i sit in bodily discomfort and mental scars today, i was thinking about the word 'Fearless'. So whats fearless? Is it the complete absence of fear from our mind or is it like ignoring the exsisitance of any fear?We face fears each day, we fight them. We are scared by some of them and not so scared by some of them but we choose to fight. why? I am not so sure.

So while i googled for some notes on Fear and bravery, i found out an Indian Soldier's diary. Although its got nothing to do with my quest for the word fear but i think the diary gives a very honest view of what life is and what life can be. We do take things for granted. Mostly we take freedom for granted. Anyways, here is the soldier's diary excerpts. n Btw you know what's like being fearless?

You say the hills too steep to climb
and
You think there is no way he can even try
But
I Climb the hill in my own way.
may be i just wait a while for the right day.

A Soldier's Diary

In Batalik, you can't breathe normally. There is less oxygen there. The air is rarified. The lungs scream for oxygen. The blood vessels cry for oxygen. At 15000-ft, you are not normal. You cannot be. The human body is attuned to a certain altitude.

And that's where our soldiers are. Fighting the enemy. Facing the bullets. Dying alone in the snow. Falling to death from the high ridges. No one hears their scream. It's such a lonely death. A tiny piece of metal is all what it takes to die.

They are our infantrymen. The finest in the world. No other soldier has ever fought at these heights. At 15000ft, they can't move with ease. In Batalik, there are no tracks. Climb. Clamber. Crawl. A soldier carries a week's ration, ammunition, a 5.56mm assault rifle or a mortar or a rocket launcher. He carries over 20 kgs on his back as he pulls himself up on this rugged, cruel terrain.They are fighting a war - a war which has been forced on India.

They are doing what any soldier would do for their motherland. They have promised themselves that they will not rest until all the land occupied by the pakistani army is taken back - until the tri-color flys happily over what is Indian land under pakistani possesion.

He doesn't sleep. He doesn't have time to eat. He doesn't have time to urinate. Life is not what it is. Life is a shell. It is the terror of death. It is the courage of facing it. It is fear, raw, unalloyed, unrelenting.... the enemy is up there, somewhere hidden. It can see you, can track you down like a rat, can pick you out so effortlessly...and yet these men move, slowly but with determination to fight for the nation. To die for the nation.

You know how it feels to be up there in the cold, cold mountains, carrying a heavy backpack with a gnawing fear that you will never see your eight-year-old daughter. That sweet little thing with a ponytail and a smile that lights up your world. You may not hear her giggles, see her climb your shoulder, run around, throw her dolls in anger, paint the walls in doodles.... You will not be there for her.

You know what fear is. That is the fear. Not being there. Death is not what matters. What matter is that you will not matter anymore. And yet the soldiers go up the hills, like the charge of the light brigade, never asking questions, never expecting an answer. They know they have a duty, they have a pledge, they have a promise to keep. Their tryst with destiny.

It is not easy to imagine a soldier, an infantry man's life up there in Batalik, where the wind can sear your windpipe, chill your brains, make your eyes weep with pain and lungs cry out in sheer exhaustion. Brave. That is what these soldiers are. Brave in the face of death. Brave in the face of fear. Facing bullets. One hundered & Eighty of them are dead. Many more will die. Let not their death go waste, unacknowledged.



This was written by a Indian Army officer who participated in the Kargil War in 1999. The officer died in the fighting and this article was found in his diary.

Blan(c)k

It was quiet and the wind stood still
I spent some time with nature
To remind me of all thats real
Its funny how silence speaks sometimes when youre alone
And remember that you feel

Again I stand, against the faceless man.

So which way will the coin fall? I fear for the worst and still hope that i can see some light after the long blackness, the blankness. Cause if dont see the light, I know Ill have to walk alone. And if I walk alone to the other side, I know I might not make it home.



So people ask me, Oh wtf are u upto? What do u keep doing? Ur pic? whats wrong? Well, the Blackness is a reflection. Its a rather true and honest reflection which perhaps most people would not be able to relate. Yeah and why would anyone want to relate in the first place? Its a selfish world. Its like that video, "Survival Of The Fittest". But whats Survival? To exsist? To breathe? To be content and happy that you have two arms and legs and two eyes which some unlucky ones do not have?
You have a phone that never rings and each day you hope it would? but u tell yourself that your oh so lucky that atleast u have a phone.

You have plans in your head which never take shape because you cannot see the light with all the darkness, so youre supposed to tell yourself that atleast u have a mind and atleast u have a plan?

Hell No, thats exactly the point. Its the biggest sin to know you have better things to offer yourself but you are engulfed in a fever of darkness, some old clouds, some new ones. If one is dumb, he can be happy within himself but if you dont consider yourself to be like most of the others you see around you then youre either dumber or smarter?

Ok then how do we know you are smarter? Hell you man, you cant even make a phone call. Your are fucked up in ur mind because of your fears. Hell you have to think 10 times before u call, hell u feel so fucking dejected after the call and hell you still pretend and sound normal and cheesy. Hell would anyone know what that meant? The amount of prepration that went into that small routine act like making that phone call? Hell you still imagine abt that "crack of voice" *Laugh* and wonder. You wonder about the mystery of the crack. You shrug and go back to your routine shit of fighting fears and then u think about the faceless man again.

Hell you were black (with some mild white line flowing, heh @ db) and now you are blan(c)k. You stare at your phone. You would then go out and stare at the sun. and then in the night, The wind would cry back in the silent night...

Is This The End?

Dhadkane khaamosh hain, kuch kehti nahi
yeh aakhari alvida na ho..

jo khauf hai aankhon se, aankhon se kehne do,
dukh ki nadi chup chaap behne do

jo kehna hai tum dheere se keh do
yeh aakhari alvida na ho..

The Day After

But the day after is darker,
And deeper and deeper it goes,
Who knows, maybe it's all a dream,
Who knows if I'll wake up and scream.

Phoenixization

After reading these lines , i am looking at everything from a new dimension. I think these cover all those silent dark moments when i heard the wind cry back.

The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you.

Old Wine, New Bottle

So yet another year went by. It was supposed to be one of the bestest years of my life. If that was the best, i am not too keen to look forward for the rest. Interstingly the year started with a small hug from somone who has just explored me from the outside, not sure if it would have been the same if i would have been myself. From about a week before yuletide i have been thinking about surrender. I think i have in a way realised that there is no cliff and there is no perfect script for me atleast. I am not sure if my conclusion is worth it or not and thats exactly the reason why ive been looking for someone who would give me an honest opinion. Although i just have only one soul who talks back to me in the real sense and needless to say ive been looking around for her. Not sure when we meet i would talk much. May be i would just want to sit silently with her by my side for some time if thats not for too much.
I met some iceboy's i knew earlier last week. Comparing the ground realities was so funny. I dont care much about material stuff but just a glance was enough to conclude that i was in no league at all. Hence no comparisons.
Empty days, empty cold nights, hollow dreams, sad realities. I have not even experienced the other side of life. It would need something more than a miracle for it to be scripted that way. Its like first comitting all faults and errors and then play a perfect match. It doesnt happen like that, neither in sport nor in life i guess.
This blog is so depressing and shit. I hate coming back to it, heh. I just want to freeze that one moment in time that cold night. That might be my only high for a long time.