As the days move on, my desire to write is diminishing. But if i do not write here then i have no other outlet at all. Its been so long since i spoke. I do not know if writing helps in the long run but it might help momentarily. Help? I was having a shower some minutes ago and i was shivering. It was such a helpless feeling. The feeling you get when your body is staic but your mind wanders into the past and the present and feels nothingness. Yes feel and not touch. So you feel all those things which you were better off touching and you would never feel the other things.

I don't know what to write, ive been almost in a unbelieveably low state in the past one hour or so. Today after i overheard stuff another part of my spirit surely died. It would never be back again. It can never be the same again. No matter what the circumstances but my spirit is dying each moment. I try n stop it to bleed to death but wounds keep opening.

Helplessnes is the worst feeling in the world. Ive heard about trying and doing your best with good intent and it would bring in positive vibes. Thats good but all that ive only heard or read. I have never witnessed it. I dont think that is true. Its a facade. Basically lonliness attracts misery and thats it.

...A couple of days ago i was in such a different zone, I felt so human and so heroic within myself. I had a 50 minute conversation. Even if most of it was just listening but it was like feeling through someone else. Things that you can never feel otherwise. Its like you have a window and somone comes into its focus and shows u stuff from their lifes. Stuff that can be boring, or interesting or normal or abnormal but you close your eyes and feel it. What a wonderful feeling to feel something. and then reality hits you, and you look around. You look in the mirror and look at your face. I have 2 windows. Dont know for how long they would last but i like gazing through these two windows.

...and today in the last few hours my mind is looking at everything is such a helpless state. I thought i would talk to someone about it and then reality hits again.

The days ahead are going to be dark.

Self destruct in 3 months?

If you ever find out this reality of mine, would you ever call?

I am not scared of THAT reality. I would be content when it finally comes. Winning or loosing wont matter then. It would just be a physical act. An act of a someone who tried but who could never stand. Leave alone standing on a cliff.

Is all this pain worth it? This life is not worth it.
i feel dreamless
i feel blank
i cant take this hatred.
im crying.