Death is something we cannot escape. Its the ultimate reality of life. So many things have been written and spoken about death. What stands out if one phrase i read that everyone wants to go to Heaven but no one wants to die. Its the paradox that drives us all. Heaven and hell could be for real or just a figment of imagination just like god. My religious quotient since the time i was born has been going down strongly and in the last few years a little bit of spiritual quotient took its place. I dont believe in a God as a powerful Human form or any form for that matter that we will meet when we die. All the Human forms of God are just an illusionary manifestation so that the idea of a power can be seeded in the human mind.

For how can we think of something/someone we cant imagine. God is the power which balances our karmas. When we suffer we are just balacing out our karmic consciousness. When we are having pleasure we are doing the same. Some texts say that Karmas manifest in this life and some say that karmas manifest over one or various lives. I think it makes sense cause there cannot be a hard and fast rule or a time frame to manifest or balance out the karmas. Eg if we do bad to someone in this life and its a negative in our karma base but we might not suffer the consequences immediately cause may be the rest of our life would not be able to bring about such a circumstance which would make us realize the pain and suffering we gave to the other being. May be in our next life we would be in a better position to suffer the exactness.

But my question is what if the first guy doesn't want the second one to suffer? Is there no free will?

Speaking of questions i dont have many but i have a few but i dont need answers, i am happy with the questions cause some questions are better left unanswered. And even if there are answers not sure id be around to hear them.

So i might be dying? Disease can be overcome, ppl have done it, you can do it as well? But i just have this feeling that its not for overcoming. Its time? The purpose was to come and suffer and its coming to an end? I dont know if its a yes or a no and i am searching till my body allows me.

I though id make a list of all the things id like to do in this life before i die. Then i started thinking and there was not much i could think of...

I met a few ppl in this life and a lot of them hated me at first sight or after a bit slowly but surely. I was cold to the human touch and suddenly i felt a warm hand tapping on my shoulder.
May be she didnt know that i was not supposed to be given a warm touch but a cold push. but whatever be the case i need to tell her this because its flowing in my blood now. My blood stated flowing after a long cold freezing winter. Id like to tell her all of the above and thank her. One last hug which will have to stand the distance of time.

Wishes are dead already, the mind and the body to follow soon...

Do i have cancer?
Is this how it will even out?
The more i read about my symptoms, in my heart of hearts i am very scared.
This could be so real..