I Grieve

I am not a Date Centric guy. I am not anything centric guy i guess. Randomness is what suits me best i guess. In life we can be this centric or that centric, have this plan or that plan, but life has its own plans and it can beat us to our knees if we walk against the tide. So When we try n forget all about it and flow with the tide then there is no laughter,no grief, no swimming against the tides, no swimming with the tides. We are then like a lotus sitting in its own bloom.

I think i digress a lot. May be because i just drift in my randomness to certain extremes at times. I know no one reads this page and random visitors would never understand what the whole thing is all about and neither am i writing for any audiences here. So may be i can digress, it doesn't matter much.


Ive loved winter, ive loved the winter rain, i like the dry cold, i like the autumn, the fall that precedes the winter, sometimes the chill hits me through my spine, its like someone stabbing a knife in your soul. I have spent a lot of time standing alone in the chilling winter nights on my terrace. There is the fog and the odd plane and the distant ember lights and the silence and the smoke and the reflections. People sleeping in their warm cosy beds, waiting to get up another day and follow into their routines. Only thing i kinda dont like is the fog. I dont hate it but i just have this one memory associated with it and it kills my spirit everytime i think about it (and subconciouslly its always on my mind).


But that night was something different. It was surreally real. It wasnt how it was supposed to be. It wasnt how it was always been earlier.
I still feel the touch.

The nights wont be the same again, the cold wont be the same again, the fog wont be the same again, the chill woudlnt be the same again, the hugs wouldnt be the same again, life wouldnt be the same again.

May be we'd never meet again and may be id never be able to come out of my failures and my past but that one moment is frozen in my memory for ever.

I live with it in my darkness, i live with it in my silence, i live with it in the moments when i sit and wait, i live with it when i glance and hpe to see a flash of LED from my phone in the dark room. Id live with it even when the fears turn real

It was all so different then...

They say life carries on
Carries on and on and on and on?

But I cant find any relief

I grieve for you...

She: So what are you going to do??

Me: I don't know


Spoken to me by someone who was almost like my window to the world.
The window is shut now and its dark but these words keep echoing in mind, in my thoughts, in my being as i sit in this cold night in my room reflecting on my almost meaningless existence.

The winter is still to set in but its the pre winter that brings with it a lot of chill that reaches down to the bone. When the winter is at its peak, the mind and the body is ready for the chill and the winds and the dry cold but just when the summers have ended and the winter is just beginning to shape up, the mind and the body feels. The winter is not as hard where the feelings disappear nor the harsh summers where the same occurs in a different fashion.

Personally i like this time of the year because of the evening smoke all around, the halogens glowing softly in the distance, workers on a building trying to wind up their daily activity, the wind becoming more penetrative but some of the things are constant like the screaming in the background, the noise of the bullet motorbikes, the echo of the train engine's whistle late in the night. Its beautiful at night when its silent and cold and smoky. I sometimes walk to my terrace and stand up in this pre winter chill. That's the only place of luxury i have given myself, that's the only moment i am myself, moment when i feel alive and also because i like the wind conjoining my bones cutting through my skin.

I have watched the ember lights on the upcoming buildings and the small movement of people working in the nights under those lights, working in the cold, giving their inch, their souls, their sleep and what for? Would they even be remembered once the building is made and stand like an elegant tower or a big shopping Mall amid the frenzy of the town? Still giving ur best even knowing that nothing would be recognized is immense. What then is the prime mover? the money? the hunger? the creative genius?

As i stand and watch the buildings under the halogen lights, i feel a strong breeze running into my back, the sound of the swift breeze as if enjoying its ride.

And as i watch the wind and the sky and the darkness and feel the coldness and the silence, i suddenly feel an urge to be with someone, with anyone who would just sit besides me. Its not necessary to talk although i feel an urge to speak, not about anything special but about anything. One of the questions i usually ask people is about the color of their walls but we can pass that, just sit or talk or just be there in togetherness and then i flip through my phone and my phone book and scroll till i reach the end and then i scroll again hoping that it might change?

And i sit as the wind starts to get colder and the noises start to disappear and the night reaches its climax and my body feels suspended.

I sit, i walk, i stand, i flip my phone, i look into the darkness, i look into the cold smoke, i breathe slowly, i breathe heavily, my mind wanders, i think of some moments, i think of some good moments, think of a lot of bad moments, think of some nice people, think of a lot of bad people, i shrug, i walk, i sit.

I need to speak, to talk, to someone...
and the Wind Cries back...

A spirit too needs fuel, it can run dry...

Fashion Sucks, Fashion Style

Fashion is a very broad term, it can reflect differently in different situations. It can be a style or a characteristic depending on which way you look at it. The last few days have been an overdose of celebrities walking down the ramp more in the ongoing Fashion Week in Mumbai than the Wills Lifestyle India Fashion Week in Delhi earlier. These so called The fashion extravaganza's make sense to a limited set of people while others just feel its a waste of time while the celebrities use the stage to hit the spotlight and keep themselves in public memory.

But is that all to fashion shows and all such fashion extravaganzas? People say clothes showcased at such events by designers are over hyped and overpriced which may be true in a sense but its half the truth.

I’ve heard people say that designing is nothing but a western concept to make clothing into a style and hype it up so that users spend one hundred times the price for the same product they can get done by a local tailor or a retail outlet. What they don’t understand is that designers are not about all flashy women and clothing, it’s a seriously creative job. Now my problem with this argument is that shirt designed by the local tailor is nothing but an imitation of the 'first' design of a shirt that was created. So it’s a cheap imitation of a design done by the creative designer somewhere.

I have seen first hand, the degree of research and sheer hard graft that goes into creating a garment.

The comfort that your tailor gives you is by copying the design of someone. The designers need to be there, because the innovations come from there.

Fashion shows are not just about celebrities or women with great bodies or overpriced stuff. Watching designers on FTV give a sense of what he or she is trying to express in clothes. But yeah most of the Indian designers on simply copy the west. They might have some fashion creativity but they don’t have any new ides to project themselves. They simply copy what the western world is doing. There is no doubt that we haven’t heard of any Indian designer who has been able to command respect overseas. Some of them might be selling ethnic Indian apparel under their names but they are just swimming in a fish bowl while looking at the sea.

It’s true that we live in a different world where most people are lost and running behind gloss and god. People die of hunger, lack of medicines, diseases, crime, and hatred. Women don’t have the free will in a lot of countries, including India. Designer clothes and the creation might be a useless thing for someone who’s just making enough to cover his/her body but THAT’S exactly the reason why designers and creativeness makes sense. It shows the endless possibilities, the possible high fly's, the jump, the power of creative satisfaction, the love, the smile.

Fashion shows are NOT about Page 3 people walking down the ramp with no sense or care for the world. It’s not about the models. It’s about the designers, the thought, the uniqueness, the new idea.

What’s happening with India Fashion scene is stupid replica of the west. There have been no real path breaking ideas to have emerged from these shows. Fashion shows in India are just a party, its got nothing to do with creation. And for Fashion Shows in India, well Fashion sucks, Fashion style.

Originally Posted by me on 31/03/2007 @ http://coldvibes.wordpress.com/

I cant speak your name, my throat is choked.
I more i want to look at you the more clouds emerge.
During the day the thoughts are killed by the harsh reality but then it comes back to weave it back in my sleep. After i wake up its been like a hangover which will carry the whole of the day into the night. With every silence i am reaching out more to you but i cant call out your name, i cant speak, i cant shout out at you. I am choked as is my throat, as is my heart, as is my plans.
I am looking at you silently, chocked in my being, waiting for you to turn back and look at me...
Dont walk too fast, its getting distant. With burning eyes, silent being, choked voice, torn body i wait for you..

Death is something we cannot escape. Its the ultimate reality of life. So many things have been written and spoken about death. What stands out if one phrase i read that everyone wants to go to Heaven but no one wants to die. Its the paradox that drives us all. Heaven and hell could be for real or just a figment of imagination just like god. My religious quotient since the time i was born has been going down strongly and in the last few years a little bit of spiritual quotient took its place. I dont believe in a God as a powerful Human form or any form for that matter that we will meet when we die. All the Human forms of God are just an illusionary manifestation so that the idea of a power can be seeded in the human mind.

For how can we think of something/someone we cant imagine. God is the power which balances our karmas. When we suffer we are just balacing out our karmic consciousness. When we are having pleasure we are doing the same. Some texts say that Karmas manifest in this life and some say that karmas manifest over one or various lives. I think it makes sense cause there cannot be a hard and fast rule or a time frame to manifest or balance out the karmas. Eg if we do bad to someone in this life and its a negative in our karma base but we might not suffer the consequences immediately cause may be the rest of our life would not be able to bring about such a circumstance which would make us realize the pain and suffering we gave to the other being. May be in our next life we would be in a better position to suffer the exactness.

But my question is what if the first guy doesn't want the second one to suffer? Is there no free will?

Speaking of questions i dont have many but i have a few but i dont need answers, i am happy with the questions cause some questions are better left unanswered. And even if there are answers not sure id be around to hear them.

So i might be dying? Disease can be overcome, ppl have done it, you can do it as well? But i just have this feeling that its not for overcoming. Its time? The purpose was to come and suffer and its coming to an end? I dont know if its a yes or a no and i am searching till my body allows me.

I though id make a list of all the things id like to do in this life before i die. Then i started thinking and there was not much i could think of...

I met a few ppl in this life and a lot of them hated me at first sight or after a bit slowly but surely. I was cold to the human touch and suddenly i felt a warm hand tapping on my shoulder.
May be she didnt know that i was not supposed to be given a warm touch but a cold push. but whatever be the case i need to tell her this because its flowing in my blood now. My blood stated flowing after a long cold freezing winter. Id like to tell her all of the above and thank her. One last hug which will have to stand the distance of time.

Wishes are dead already, the mind and the body to follow soon...

Do i have cancer?
Is this how it will even out?
The more i read about my symptoms, in my heart of hearts i am very scared.
This could be so real..

I feel like talking to someone. Nothing in particular, Just be with someone , if not then just speak, just listen, just feel like i am alive

There is just silence

There is noone

I hate this forced silence...

The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done. Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you are because of him, or her, or anybody.

So the "inexplicable happenings" Hmm.. I was wondering what they could be or what it could mean and i just shrugged it off but deep inside i felt a strangeness in my being. Sometime back it called for a surprise and i sarcastically put it here on the blog and suddenly the surprise was there. Ofcourse it was a routine thing but at my position it was nothing more than the surprise prediction coming true. I have no idea how these cards actually work or if they actually ever work cause its not individual centric and its for a cluster of people but still at times it just hits you in the center of your being.

But what an inexplicable happening today. I never thought I'd see what i saw today. I had no way to see it, no desire to know about it and no real urge to even bother about it. I have this one person in my list, i never visited and suddenly i did some days back and now if i see back may be it was like joining the dots backwards? heh@ Steve Jobs and i don't have nor do i desire an i phone.

Anyways coming back to the inexplicable happening. My first reaction was of shock as i felt it was for the worse and then slowly i saw it wasn't what i was thinking. Still i was checking all the pictures trying to focus on the face, Is that someone i know? No? yeah? Hey wait, may be its her? Yeah, no, I donno, I fucking hate myself for such a bad face sense recognition. I would have been in much more of this state if i wouldn't have made that call some days back and i wouldn't have made that call if i wouldn't have had that dream and i wouldn't have had that dream if i wouldn't have had the isolations. So yeah?

I have questions in my head. i don't know if i should be asking them. I can only imagine how it would have felt. One side i was happy it wasn't you and other side i was wondering how it would have felt and even if you'd be aware?

Inexplicable? This was as freaky as it can be.Things come and hit me even when i am in my shell lying low without expecting anything from anyone. Its when such things happen that the spirit shakes up and then when its all silent in the next few weeks it would fall back again and that falling spirit is the most difficult part of my existence.

Is this a sign?
Should i allow the dream to bloom?
But then what about the realities of my being?
How does one get around them?
...

Still it was freaky, I know your level of existence is way beyond this transit and your elevated being is a source of life.

I pray for you...

Last Goodbye

This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die
But its over
Just hear this and then Ill go
You gave me more to live for
More than you'll ever know

This is our last embrace
Must I dream and always see your face
Why cant we overcome this wall
Well, maybe its just because I didn't know you at all

Well, the bells out in the church tower chime
Burning clues into this heart of mine
Thinking so hard on her soft eyes and the memories
Offer signs that its over... its over

So What are you going to do now?

Where do i start, where do i begin?

I Fall Apart

Where are you going?
Who are you seeing?
When are you coming back?


Where are you going?
Who are you seeing?
When are you coming back?


Where are you going?
Who are you seeing?
When are you coming back?

When are you...
when are you..
When are you coming back?


I Fall Apart???

Crash

The nosediving flight with my dreams on board crashed into the unknown today and with it all those silent screams and dry tears and all the things that were said, all that humiliation, all that isolation, all the helplessness, all that hopefulness, and all those plans and all the talks of everything evening out and all the motivations, and all the objectivism and all the heroics and all the cliffs and all the nakedness and all the fearlessness and all my spirit. There is just raw hatred and failures. The world is so ugly, i want to leave it.