Colorless

Its been so long since i logged into this. I lost my user name and then my pass, heh. I managed to log into only after 2-3 attempts but it was more like because my mind isn't right here.

I remember this same day today like a couple of years back and i look at it now. What has changed? Has the graph gone upwards or downwards? The graph has been static? Is it a graph when its static? Avoice says, oh there is so much noise and we are so silent but i was always silent. Its nothing new. I was as silent in all those years as i am now.

But she is right, there is noise, there is movement and uneasy voices across the horizon. Lights, haze, noise, color, mad rush, movement. While you stand amid all that movement watching all of it rise and then fall only to rise again and fall with the flow. when everything else is highlighted you tend to see a lot more of the dark spots.

i still hear the voices, the hatred, the silence of sound when the spirit breaks into a negative triumph. Everyone who says i am the most negative person doesn't understand me at all. How else do u explain the small desires that still breed after being wiped moment after moment, day after day, week after week, years after years. A desire, a small harmless desire. Not of money or material stuff, not of a false ego trip, not of things i see around me but one desire of that one moment which can even out all the years of silence. That one moment when everything else would not exist, that blissful moment when the spirit would triumph with no strings attached. I know i have no future in THAT sense but that one moment is more than a lifetime. Thats the only thing i am chasing.
That one moment.

Till that happens its all colorless as i see all the coloring around me here tonight. Whats colorless? its simply the lack of color. Whats black, its just the absence of white. I wish some light could shine down for me to live that one moment before my countdown ends and i fade with nothing but the may be's and have not's.

I still feel that hug.