Staring at the Sun

2009-03-13T22:22:00.002+05:30

The world is making me feel so unwanted and a misfit. Not that i was eager enough to fit into the ugliness of this world but there seems to be no corner as well.

I sit and type broken in my mind, body and spirit and with bandaged limbs and bandaged thoughts.
I feel like i am choking.

I dont want to write anymore. I dont want to see myself in this state. The more i look at myself, the more my spirit sinks.

My mind and spirit is now torn beyond any words.
Dont come back here if anyone does that.
Dont expect anything from me anymore.
Consider me dead.
The ugliness killed me.

Regrets? A lot of them superficially speaking but then they are all perceptions.
One regret i feel right now is that i cant pick up my phone and call somone/anyone. There is absoultely none in my world.

Wish i could have been more tainted in order to be able to fit into this ugly world's scheme of things.

No goodbyes and no hugs. Just the naked wind and silence and the ugliness to follow.

2009-02-07T19:28:00.002+05:30

The coin has two faces? everything is said to have two sides to it. Life and death, happiness and sadness, darkness and light, love and hate, tears and smile, silence and noise, right and wrong, evil and good.

Are they really two faces or is it just one face and a unidimensional world? Just the absence of one is eh another. The absence of death is life? Is there more to life? Surely there could be more life but for this ugly world. Or may be I've seen so much of ugly side of the world that even the brighter sides look fake as people are just masking it like a facade just hiding the ugliness with a cosmetic brighter side of it.

Some people would be genuine i think, its just for those few that the world is still livable. May be they should all group up together and live in a different flock where none of this ugliness spills into their worlds. where life is a bliss and silence is radiant, where there is no madness of greed and lust for power and hatred. Where the world is what i was supposed to be and not the corrupted mad place where we exist right now.

I am wasting my life living in this ugly world which is not worth fighting for. I am giving up? chickening out? Don't think I can do that now. I would have done that long back if that was on my mind. Honestly i came very close to do that a few times but just didn't pull the trigger. And just when i was about to finally pull it off i felt a tap on my shoulder, remember that? Moment of pure bliss in this corrupted ugliness.

I am so upset right now, i feel like puking my life out, i cant feel this ugliness any more, life is killing me with its hatred for life and forcing me to lead this non life and disguise it as life.

These people oar fucking ugly, this world is corrupted to the core, the god is being corrupted and life is just a sham.

I want a window.
I need to breathe.
I am choking.
My hope dies with each moment in this world.
I am so upset. i cant even speak to someone, to anyone?
My body hurts
My mind races in circles
My tears flow
I feel cold and lifeless
I cant watch innocence being raped by opportunists
I feel guilty
I feel drained
Is there anybody out there?

2009-01-30T00:28:00.001+05:30

The world is so ugly. Is it really worth it all?

Sport

2009-01-07T19:12:00.008+05:30

So what is Sport for you?

Is it an activity requiring physical or mental exertion (or both) and competition with fellow men? or is it merely an occupation for athletes who compete? or is it just a man made opera to satisfy the man's ego for being hailed as a winner or supreme or is it just some fun?

Sport for me is triumph. Triumph not of the mind or of the body or of the game involved. For me its the triumph of the spirit.

It could sound unconventional cause sport is supposed to be played to be competitive and victorious and not just being a also ran. But at times the triumph overtakes all the other factors and all the other reasons.

Monday morning i was flipping through the TV channels and stopped at the Sydney test match being played between Australia and South Africa. Of course being a historic series there have been millions of reviews on all the cricketing aspects of it. Even though i enjoyed South Africa beating the Aussies, one moment stands out for me.

The 3rd day was about to end, the Australian openers in Matthew Hayden and Simon Katich were playing. There were around 2 overs left for the day and Australia were looking to end the day without any wickets. Katich was non existent. It was all on Matthew Hayden and his bad luck and poor form and all the stats being shown around on TV and in cricketing terms he was quite unsure and vulnerable and frankly appeared that he could get out on any ball. Still he was trying to hang in there...

In the distant in one the stands was one woman sitting alone, looking as tense as anyone trying to show a calm nerve on the outside. It was Kelly Hayden, the openers wife. She sat on a lonesome bench watching her husband fight the day. The gloomy evening was descending on the arena and gloomier things were being spoken around for the player who obviously is in the twilight of his career. There was an air of uncertainty across the stadium.

The guy in the middle was fighting it out and the lonesome woman in the stands was standing by his side. The empty seats behind the woman appeared to be the seats of well wishers who suddenly evaporated.

The end result wasn't an issue i think, it was just those few moments before the match ended for the day. I wish i had a pic of the moment but that wouldn't have done any justice perhaps.

I mean i don't know why i write this because you expect a husband to stand for his wife or vice versa in trying times even if the world appears to be against one of them or both but watching it was great.

Sometimes the spirit too runs dry, it needs fuel....

Newness?

2009-01-04T18:00:00.007+05:30

'Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun'

So like the Pink Floyd Song, so many people celebrate the new year but how many of them realize the actual transformation or the whole point? Earlier i was also one of those people mindlessly trying to party and hoping that the new horizon would bring with it the welcome change, but how many years exchange the tears for some smiles, the hopelessness into new hope, cold silence into a warm musical?

So like yeah, New year is nothing but a technical change and should not be mistaken for a real change cause real change is beyond the realm of conventional date exchange.

But some thing in life don't change... Like what one may ask and then it would be tough to count them on the fingers.

Its been a weird kind of a year filled with empty smiles and empty hope but somethings don't change moving into this new year.

I have been watching movies of late. Some movies that i missed and some that i never knew existed and some which i always wanted to watch buy couldn't.

It all started post Jaideep Varma's Hulla which i without any bias put at the top of my list in the movies i watched in the year 2008. I don't think it brought JV the kind of audiences or fame he truly deserves but then if JV ever reads it i just wanna share Howard Roark's line When the dean of the architectural school tells Roark, "Your only purpose is to serve him [the client]," Roark objects. "I don't intend to build in order to serve or help anyone. I don't intend to build in order to have clients. I intend to have clients in order to build."

After we come out of the cinema, the move echoes in our minds for a bit, some for small time and some for a longer time and Hulla still echoes in my mind for the kind of passion the movie maker tried to project. The so called critics killed it cause they just don't know how to react to a passionate subject. Same movie, throw in some power media houses, some bigger overpriced actors, some marketing BS and the so called critics would call it a winner. To criticise a movie just cause ur a film critic is bull shit. I am no critic, i am no fan(cause this was his first ever work), i just felt vibes from his work. Critics are too blind to see it or feel it. To bad for them cause they cant spot a good movie. They'd still be critics till the end of their lives while JV's bound to go far.

Go For it JV!

Then comes Manorma Six feet Under and i was just blown away by AD (Abhay Deol's) body language and sheer camera presence and yeah Gul Panang can act. Sorry to say but she looked artificial to me in Dor while she pulls of her character wonderfully well in this movie. I watched AD first in Ek Chaalis ki last local and he was fine and then with Oye Lucky he grew stronger but i think Manorma has to be one his purest works. I hope he grows from strength to strength.

My Third Movie of the year is not a movie but the actor and the guy is none other than Vinay Pathak who should be named Versatile Pathak. I wanted to watch Dasvidaniya first but for some reasons i wasn't able to and then i came across 'Ohh My God' and the tag line Bhagwan Deta hai Par Dubey nahin leta hai is attractive and so is the neat movie with brilliant Vinay. One thing with Vinay is that you can relate to the character so closely that it gets so much simpler to believe in how the character reacts or dresses or walks or thinks or talks.

Dasvidaniya could be a rip off but the talented Vinay stands out like one above all especially the crying scene at the bridge where he moves his hands in a resigned manner and OMG Ranvir Shorey in the cameo Rocks, Apna Brand Mat Badalna, Marpok /m\, heh

If you ask me who is my favourite actor my answer is that according to me the best actor in the world is RANVIR SHOREY

although Pankaj Kapoor and Vinay Pathak are not far behind.

Ok and talking of women, i already wrote what i thought of Gul Panang but one female who is wasting her life (knowingly or unknowingly that she has so much talent in her is Neha Dhupia. I mean sham of directors who cant think beyond casting her as a pretty face or as a sexual object or more of a cosmetic thing. I think shes only touched 10% of the amount of talent she has with some of her so called off shore work like Siskiyaan where she beat all the other actors hands down. ND you cant let this happen, you've gotta reach ur pinnacle cause not many people have what u have. I'd pray that u stand on that mountain cliff a la Ayn Rand soon:)

and finally my list of things i couldn't find in 2008....

1: The mountain cliff
2: A
3: JV's Book "Local"
4: Movie "Mithya"
5: Db's OMG OMG
5: Zz
6: Motivation to write
7: The phone LED flash in the dark room signalling a msg, a call, signalling something..
8: 'THAT' one moment
9: Some Luck
10: And Yeah Myself...

So my search continues!

I Grieve

2008-12-31T18:36:00.002+05:30

I am not a Date Centric guy. I am not anything centric guy i guess. Randomness is what suits me best i guess. In life we can be this centric or that centric, have this plan or that plan, but life has its own plans and it can beat us to our knees if we walk against the tide. So When we try n forget all about it and flow with the tide then there is no laughter,no grief, no swimming against the tides, no swimming with the tides. We are then like a lotus sitting in its own bloom.

I think i digress a lot. May be because i just drift in my randomness to certain extremes at times. I know no one reads this page and random visitors would never understand what the whole thing is all about and neither am i writing for any audiences here. So may be i can digress, it doesn't matter much.

Ive loved winter, ive loved the winter rain, i like the dry cold, i like the autumn, the fall that precedes the winter, sometimes the chill hits me through my spine, its like someone stabbing a knife in your soul. I have spent a lot of time standing alone in the chilling winter nights on my terrace. There is the fog and the odd plane and the distant ember lights and the silence and the smoke and the reflections. People sleeping in their warm cosy beds, waiting to get up another day and follow into their routines. Only thing i kinda dont like is the fog. I dont hate it but i just have this one memory associated with it and it kills my spirit everytime i think about it (and subconciouslly its always on my mind).

But that night was something different. It was surreally real. It wasnt how it was supposed to be. It wasnt how it was always been earlier.
I still feel the touch.

The nights wont be the same again, the cold wont be the same again, the fog wont be the same again, the chill woudlnt be the same again, the hugs wouldnt be the same again, life wouldnt be the same again.

May be we'd never meet again and may be id never be able to come out of my failures and my past but that one moment is frozen in my memory for ever.

I live with it in my darkness, i live with it in my silence, i live with it in the moments when i sit and wait, i live with it when i glance and hpe to see a flash of LED from my phone in the dark room. Id live with it even when the fears turn real

It was all so different then...

They say life carries on
Carries on and on and on and on?

But I cant find any relief

I grieve for you...

2008-11-30T00:25:00.002+05:30

She: So what are you going to do??

Me: I don't know

Spoken to me by someone who was almost like my window to the world.
The window is shut now and its dark but these words keep echoing in mind, in my thoughts, in my being as i sit in this cold night in my room reflecting on my almost meaningless existence.

2008-11-23T19:46:00.003+05:30

The winter is still to set in but its the pre winter that brings with it a lot of chill that reaches down to the bone. When the winter is at its peak, the mind and the body is ready for the chill and the winds and the dry cold but just when the summers have ended and the winter is just beginning to shape up, the mind and the body feels. The winter is not as hard where the feelings disappear nor the harsh summers where the same occurs in a different fashion.

Personally i like this time of the year because of the evening smoke all around, the halogens glowing softly in the distance, workers on a building trying to wind up their daily activity, the wind becoming more penetrative but some of the things are constant like the screaming in the background, the noise of the bullet motorbikes, the echo of the train engine's whistle late in the night. Its beautiful at night when its silent and cold and smoky. I sometimes walk to my terrace and stand up in this pre winter chill. That's the only place of luxury i have given myself, that's the only moment i am myself, moment when i feel alive and also because i like the wind conjoining my bones cutting through my skin.

I have watched the ember lights on the upcoming buildings and the small movement of people working in the nights under those lights, working in the cold, giving their inch, their souls, their sleep and what for? Would they even be remembered once the building is made and stand like an elegant tower or a big shopping Mall amid the frenzy of the town? Still giving ur best even knowing that nothing would be recognized is immense. What then is the prime mover? the money? the hunger? the creative genius?

As i stand and watch the buildings under the halogen lights, i feel a strong breeze running into my back, the sound of the swift breeze as if enjoying its ride.

And as i watch the wind and the sky and the darkness and feel the coldness and the silence, i suddenly feel an urge to be with someone, with anyone who would just sit besides me. Its not necessary to talk although i feel an urge to speak, not about anything special but about anything. One of the questions i usually ask people is about the color of their walls but we can pass that, just sit or talk or just be there in togetherness and then i flip through my phone and my phone book and scroll till i reach the end and then i scroll again hoping that it might change?

And i sit as the wind starts to get colder and the noises start to disappear and the night reaches its climax and my body feels suspended.

I sit, i walk, i stand, i flip my phone, i look into the darkness, i look into the cold smoke, i breathe slowly, i breathe heavily, my mind wanders, i think of some moments, i think of some good moments, think of a lot of bad moments, think of some nice people, think of a lot of bad people, i shrug, i walk, i sit.

I need to speak, to talk, to someone...
and the Wind Cries back...

2008-10-16T17:48:00.000+05:30

A spirit too needs fuel, it can run dry...

Fashion Sucks, Fashion Style

2008-10-06T17:24:00.002+05:30

Fashion is a very broad term, it can reflect differently in different situations. It can be a style or a characteristic depending on which way you look at it. The last few days have been an overdose of celebrities walking down the ramp more in the ongoing Fashion Week in Mumbai than the Wills Lifestyle India Fashion Week in Delhi earlier. These so called The fashion extravaganza's make sense to a limited set of people while others just feel its a waste of time while the celebrities use the stage to hit the spotlight and keep themselves in public memory.

But is that all to fashion shows and all such fashion extravaganzas? People say clothes showcased at such events by designers are over hyped and overpriced which may be true in a sense but its half the truth.

I’ve heard people say that designing is nothing but a western concept to make clothing into a style and hype it up so that users spend one hundred times the price for the same product they can get done by a local tailor or a retail outlet. What they don’t understand is that designers are not about all flashy women and clothing, it’s a seriously creative job. Now my problem with this argument is that shirt designed by the local tailor is nothing but an imitation of the 'first' design of a shirt that was created. So it’s a cheap imitation of a design done by the creative designer somewhere.

I have seen first hand, the degree of research and sheer hard graft that goes into creating a garment.

The comfort that your tailor gives you is by copying the design of someone. The designers need to be there, because the innovations come from there.

Fashion shows are not just about celebrities or women with great bodies or overpriced stuff. Watching designers on FTV give a sense of what he or she is trying to express in clothes. But yeah most of the Indian designers on simply copy the west. They might have some fashion creativity but they don’t have any new ides to project themselves. They simply copy what the western world is doing. There is no doubt that we haven’t heard of any Indian designer who has been able to command respect overseas. Some of them might be selling ethnic Indian apparel under their names but they are just swimming in a fish bowl while looking at the sea.

It’s true that we live in a different world where most people are lost and running behind gloss and god. People die of hunger, lack of medicines, diseases, crime, and hatred. Women don’t have the free will in a lot of countries, including India. Designer clothes and the creation might be a useless thing for someone who’s just making enough to cover his/her body but THAT’S exactly the reason why designers and creativeness makes sense. It shows the endless possibilities, the possible high fly's, the jump, the power of creative satisfaction, the love, the smile.

Fashion shows are NOT about Page 3 people walking down the ramp with no sense or care for the world. It’s not about the models. It’s about the designers, the thought, the uniqueness, the new idea.

What’s happening with India Fashion scene is stupid replica of the west. There have been no real path breaking ideas to have emerged from these shows. Fashion shows in India are just a party, its got nothing to do with creation. And for Fashion Shows in India, well Fashion sucks, Fashion style.

Originally Posted by me on 31/03/2007 @ http://coldvibes.wordpress.com/

2008-08-29T14:28:00.002+05:30

I cant speak your name, my throat is choked.
I more i want to look at you the more clouds emerge.
During the day the thoughts are killed by the harsh reality but then it comes back to weave it back in my sleep. After i wake up its been like a hangover which will carry the whole of the day into the night. With every silence i am reaching out more to you but i cant call out your name, i cant speak, i cant shout out at you. I am choked as is my throat, as is my heart, as is my plans.
I am looking at you silently, chocked in my being, waiting for you to turn back and look at me...
Dont walk too fast, its getting distant. With burning eyes, silent being, choked voice, torn body i wait for you..

2008-08-23T23:07:00.002+05:30

Death is something we cannot escape. Its the ultimate reality of life. So many things have been written and spoken about death. What stands out if one phrase i read that everyone wants to go to Heaven but no one wants to die. Its the paradox that drives us all. Heaven and hell could be for real or just a figment of imagination just like god. My religious quotient since the time i was born has been going down strongly and in the last few years a little bit of spiritual quotient took its place. I dont believe in a God as a powerful Human form or any form for that matter that we will meet when we die. All the Human forms of God are just an illusionary manifestation so that the idea of a power can be seeded in the human mind.

For how can we think of something/someone we cant imagine. God is the power which balances our karmas. When we suffer we are just balacing out our karmic consciousness. When we are having pleasure we are doing the same. Some texts say that Karmas manifest in this life and some say that karmas manifest over one or various lives. I think it makes sense cause there cannot be a hard and fast rule or a time frame to manifest or balance out the karmas. Eg if we do bad to someone in this life and its a negative in our karma base but we might not suffer the consequences immediately cause may be the rest of our life would not be able to bring about such a circumstance which would make us realize the pain and suffering we gave to the other being. May be in our next life we would be in a better position to suffer the exactness.

But my question is what if the first guy doesn't want the second one to suffer? Is there no free will?

Speaking of questions i dont have many but i have a few but i dont need answers, i am happy with the questions cause some questions are better left unanswered. And even if there are answers not sure id be around to hear them.

So i might be dying? Disease can be overcome, ppl have done it, you can do it as well? But i just have this feeling that its not for overcoming. Its time? The purpose was to come and suffer and its coming to an end? I dont know if its a yes or a no and i am searching till my body allows me.

I though id make a list of all the things id like to do in this life before i die. Then i started thinking and there was not much i could think of...

I met a few ppl in this life and a lot of them hated me at first sight or after a bit slowly but surely. I was cold to the human touch and suddenly i felt a warm hand tapping on my shoulder.
May be she didnt know that i was not supposed to be given a warm touch but a cold push. but whatever be the case i need to tell her this because its flowing in my blood now. My blood stated flowing after a long cold freezing winter. Id like to tell her all of the above and thank her. One last hug which will have to stand the distance of time.

Wishes are dead already, the mind and the body to follow soon...

2008-08-21T22:43:00.002+05:30

Do i have cancer?
Is this how it will even out?
The more i read about my symptoms, in my heart of hearts i am very scared.
This could be so real..

2008-08-14T23:18:00.002+05:30

I feel like talking to someone. Nothing in particular, Just be with someone , if not then just speak, just listen, just feel like i am alive

There is just silence

There is noone

I hate this forced silence...

2008-08-04T19:54:00.002+05:30

The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done. Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you are because of him, or her, or anybody.

2008-07-12T16:17:00.002+05:30

So the "inexplicable happenings" Hmm.. I was wondering what they could be or what it could mean and i just shrugged it off but deep inside i felt a strangeness in my being. Sometime back it called for a surprise and i sarcastically put it here on the blog and suddenly the surprise was there. Ofcourse it was a routine thing but at my position it was nothing more than the surprise prediction coming true. I have no idea how these cards actually work or if they actually ever work cause its not individual centric and its for a cluster of people but still at times it just hits you in the center of your being.

But what an inexplicable happening today. I never thought I'd see what i saw today. I had no way to see it, no desire to know about it and no real urge to even bother about it. I have this one person in my list, i never visited and suddenly i did some days back and now if i see back may be it was like joining the dots backwards? heh@ Steve Jobs and i don't have nor do i desire an i phone.

Anyways coming back to the inexplicable happening. My first reaction was of shock as i felt it was for the worse and then slowly i saw it wasn't what i was thinking. Still i was checking all the pictures trying to focus on the face, Is that someone i know? No? yeah? Hey wait, may be its her? Yeah, no, I donno, I fucking hate myself for such a bad face sense recognition. I would have been in much more of this state if i wouldn't have made that call some days back and i wouldn't have made that call if i wouldn't have had that dream and i wouldn't have had that dream if i wouldn't have had the isolations. So yeah?

I have questions in my head. i don't know if i should be asking them. I can only imagine how it would have felt. One side i was happy it wasn't you and other side i was wondering how it would have felt and even if you'd be aware?

Inexplicable? This was as freaky as it can be.Things come and hit me even when i am in my shell lying low without expecting anything from anyone. Its when such things happen that the spirit shakes up and then when its all silent in the next few weeks it would fall back again and that falling spirit is the most difficult part of my existence.

Is this a sign?
Should i allow the dream to bloom?
But then what about the realities of my being?
How does one get around them?
...

Still it was freaky, I know your level of existence is way beyond this transit and your elevated being is a source of life.

I pray for you...

Last Goodbye

2008-02-28T23:36:00.002+05:30

This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die
But its over
Just hear this and then Ill go
You gave me more to live for
More than you'll ever know

This is our last embrace
Must I dream and always see your face
Why cant we overcome this wall
Well, maybe its just because I didn't know you at all

Well, the bells out in the church tower chime
Burning clues into this heart of mine
Thinking so hard on her soft eyes and the memories
Offer signs that its over... its over

2008-02-13T23:08:00.001+05:30

2008-01-28T18:09:00.000+05:30

So What are you going to do now?

Where do i start, where do i begin?

I Fall Apart

2008-01-24T19:14:00.000+05:30

Where are you going?
Who are you seeing?
When are you coming back?

Where are you going?
Who are you seeing?
When are you coming back?

Where are you going?
Who are you seeing?
When are you coming back?

When are you...
when are you..
When are you coming back?

I Fall Apart???

Crash

2008-01-12T13:14:00.000+05:30

The nosediving flight with my dreams on board crashed into the unknown today and with it all those silent screams and dry tears and all the things that were said, all that humiliation, all that isolation, all the helplessness, all that hopefulness, and all those plans and all the talks of everything evening out and all the motivations, and all the objectivism and all the heroics and all the cliffs and all the nakedness and all the fearlessness and all my spirit. There is just raw hatred and failures. The world is so ugly, i want to leave it.

Colorless

2007-11-09T19:44:00.000+05:30

Its been so long since i logged into this. I lost my user name and then my pass, heh. I managed to log into only after 2-3 attempts but it was more like because my mind isn't right here.

I remember this same day today like a couple of years back and i look at it now. What has changed? Has the graph gone upwards or downwards? The graph has been static? Is it a graph when its static? Avoice says, oh there is so much noise and we are so silent but i was always silent. Its nothing new. I was as silent in all those years as i am now.

But she is right, there is noise, there is movement and uneasy voices across the horizon. Lights, haze, noise, color, mad rush, movement. While you stand amid all that movement watching all of it rise and then fall only to rise again and fall with the flow. when everything else is highlighted you tend to see a lot more of the dark spots.

i still hear the voices, the hatred, the silence of sound when the spirit breaks into a negative triumph. Everyone who says i am the most negative person doesn't understand me at all. How else do u explain the small desires that still breed after being wiped moment after moment, day after day, week after week, years after years. A desire, a small harmless desire. Not of money or material stuff, not of a false ego trip, not of things i see around me but one desire of that one moment which can even out all the years of silence. That one moment when everything else would not exist, that blissful moment when the spirit would triumph with no strings attached. I know i have no future in THAT sense but that one moment is more than a lifetime. Thats the only thing i am chasing.
That one moment.

Till that happens its all colorless as i see all the coloring around me here tonight. Whats colorless? its simply the lack of color. Whats black, its just the absence of white. I wish some light could shine down for me to live that one moment before my countdown ends and i fade with nothing but the may be's and have not's.

I still feel that hug.

2007-10-28T18:12:00.000+05:30

Am i connected?
Is there anyone out there?

2007-10-27T17:47:00.000+05:30

You can't leave
You won't leave, right?
Are u there or have u gone already?
I cant stand and stare at the leaving you, can i?
Ive stared at so many things, ive seen them moving away, moving fast as everything stood frozen, moving past the teras, the innocence, the spirit which came back to look at it again. To look, to feel, to stare...
All the hate, just to be standing free in a moment.
I saw all that but this...
I cant see this happening.
But will it change anything??
Is this a sign trying to show itself to me from the clouds?
thats the only thing left to stare right?
i wish i could stare at you instead...

2007-10-25T22:59:00.000+05:30

I don't even hear when I think aloud
Wearing the darkness with an empty smile :)

Am I holding out, for the day when all the clouds will go away?
When I'm with you again?

But don't i already see clearly through the clouds that covered me?
Torn in all directions? Is there any other direction left?
Would u ever know? Would i ever tell you?
Who are you and why would you care?
and even if u care, what can u do?
You are as helpless as me or perhaps helpless to the cause rather.

Every direction there is hatred. Not that i am scared of it anymore because ive spent so much time with all that but its such a sinking feeling. Not similar to drowning but sinking.

Frozen in these moments while the world passes you by and one day when u look around it would all be so different. like someone waking up from a comma? I saw some signs during that dinner. It was like a bullet train had passed though my head.
I see images in my mind, in my sleep. i wake up and see real images and i cant sleep and when i do i see more images. I hear voices in my sleep, when i am awake i overhear more voices. I see hatred when i am sleeping and hatred when im awake.
Is all this worth it in the end? will it even out eventually?
No its not worth it and nothing can even anything out.
Am i bitter? No i am not bitter , i am just frozen.
I overhear voices...

2007-09-19T16:59:00.000+05:30

Who is 'S'?

2007-09-03T23:05:00.000+05:30

So its getting a routine affair? The days ahead would answer this strange wierd thing ive felt today. Again a draining sesion at the gym, followed by another major low. I could almost break down after i was coming out. This was supposed to give me a momentary high, an adneraline rush or whatever but its not working for the last two sessions atleast. Is it the feeling of going back to the same shit everyday? But i try not to think about that so it could not be that i think. Or may be its the music or the people? I did a very draining cardio session today but my body doesnt feel drained now. Its wierd.
Some people like to talk while doing weights. Some do it in groups to help motivate them and lift more than their partner i guess. I trained alone today. I dont like to talk while i train. I hardly talk during the day anyway.
On a different note, i think i now know whats going to happen. I can now see it. Its not a gut feeling thing but i can almost visualise the future. Dont ask me what i see because it makes my soul cry. Its the worst feeling in the world. A feeling of loosing, a feeling of silence and taintedness, of the may be's, the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all.

One year from now? Ive been in this hole for the past 3 years. does anyone know? does anyone care? Its killed so much in me that i dont have much to look forward to. Each road you take is one big mistake. I think i'll be gone soon but would it end all this? I have no idea.

2007-08-22T23:46:00.000+05:30

"Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever." - Lance Armstrong

2007-08-13T00:31:00.000+05:30

Its been almost a month. A month of silence, a month of waking up dead in the middle of the nights with a sudden strange current showcasing harsher realities, a month of unhealthy words, unhealthy physical traits, unhealthy monetary realties sinking hopes with each passing day, well each passing moment. Thinking most times with that prism. trying to let go of the only thing i have some hope to look forward to. Why would a man kill the ONLY thing that he loves. The only thing that can kill all the bitterness or perhaps i am running ahead of myself?
Its been one month but ive almost lived moments.
Red should now be blue perhaps. may be even black.
I am not at ease with myself.
One month,heh

Red

2007-08-12T20:00:00.000+05:30

Can a sidey movie have an impossibly good song? I was surfing Tv channels one afternoon or late evening i think and i came across this movie which was about to end and was playing this song in its closing titles. My first impression was skeptical, ya sufi tunes are just fad and so its just monkey see, monkey do but then i watched the full thing which was about 2 minutes long and it wasnt what i was thinking. It had some soul and so i thought whats this laal, laal thing about? Surely it cant be the movie, or is it? I didnt even know which movie it was. So then last night since i had noone and i really wanted to talk so i though i could search that song? But how do you search a song? I didnt know who the singer was, what movie it was and it wasnt a routine famous song. Anyways i thought it must be from some sidey movie like Red or something like that but i checked it and it wasnt in its list. Hmm so then i had to do some research. Finally i found the song. it was surely a misfit in the movie but its got no association with the movie anyway. Although the song has 3 versions but i think this song could have been bettered. Now i am no musician but something in me tells me, its not reached its potential somehow.
Ok so red? Red is considered to be a very energetic, vibrant color which symbolises passion and heat yeah? Passion is the word i think. Thats what red has to do with the song. Red is not one of my favoured colors but i am now thinking about it after i realised life can simply change in a second. From having dreams and desires, it can change into silence and no plans and schemes.

Cultural symbolism of Red.

In Japan red is a traditional color for a heroic figure.
In ancient China, red was the symbol of fire and the south, and is one of the main five classical colors.
In the Indian Sub-continent, red is the traditional color of bridal dresses, and is frequently represented in the media as a symbolic color for married women.
In Chinese culture and Chinese symbolism, red is the color of good luck and success, and is used for decoration
In Russia, red (красный) represents beauty.
Red is associated in Roman mythology with the god of war, Mars, and the reddish planet Mars became named after him.

You Are Crimson Red

Down to earth and warm-hearted, you instantly make everyone feel at ease around you.

And while you have an understated passion - you lack the uncontrolled passion of most other reds.

You prefer to sit back and enjoy every situation life has to offer. You put an optimistic spin on everything.

And even when things are going well, you don't get too amped up. You prefer to keep your emotions as steady as possible.

What Color Red Are You?

2007-08-10T19:35:00.000+05:30

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood,
and I-- I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference...

-Robert Frost

Hmm ok why this ? well apart from the literary beauty of this poem is that it has a universal appeal. We all have been at some place where we need to choose one road, infact on second thoughts every moment there is a choice to make i guess. Now what i dont understand is that when he didnt travel the other road, how is he comparing? how does he know what difference that wud have made? I think we can look back and join the events with an imaginary line (remember joining the dots back). I like the glance, the stare, heh. anyways more sensible posts later.

2007-08-05T14:52:00.000+05:30

I woke up today with a heavy head and some pain in my upper neck and shoulder blades running down to my mid back. So then I took my time and took it easy and by the time i was ready it was already close to noon. Not that i had any appointment or i had to meet someone or go somewhere but still, heh

So then i went down to may be eat something and suddenly my mind was thinking about myself and what i had heard some days back and what i generally hear about myself. I dont know if it was ok to compare my reality with what others say but i was just thinking while my heart was sinking. Then suddenly while i was thinking, i thought about someone i had to let go off. This was going to be the hardest thing to do for me. To let go. I dont want to but i am not sure i deserve it. So yeah the taintedness will catch up here as well. Ive had a bad weekend. Is this the sign of things to come?

Ok talking of Signs, I wanted to click this tree which was sick and leafless but it stood amid the green and the flowers and it stood naked and without fear. Once it was a blooming tree but now it was just a body of decay but it stood its ground. To me that tree amid all the gren was a symbol of strength. I liked that tree. It was probably the only thing i liked in this house.

I wanted to capture it in the last few months but for some reason i wasnt able to do so, and suddenly while i was coming back to my room today i glanced towards the garden and was shocked. It lay dead as people were chopping it down to its root. Why did they have to kill the most beautiful tree? Someone ordered it to be cut off as it was a scar on the rest of the garden's beauty but to me it was the one beautiful.

I had to capture the dying tree atleast. I kicked myself for not being able to capture it when it was standing. So then i started my hunt for a cam and i got involved in those stupid arguments. Even a small thing like asking for a cam can becme a major fighting force for me which leads to more tainted noises, which acts as a catlyst to for the heart to sink, for the mind to shrug, for the isolation to laugh, for the pains to roar, for the innocence to die. silently, with no hope, just like that tree.

2007-07-19T09:48:00.000+05:30

These battered hands are all you own
This broken heart has turned to stone
You're out of time
You're out of place
Look at your face
That's the measure of a man?

It's the fire in the eyes
the lines on the hand
It's the things you understand
Permanent ties from which you once ran
That's the measure of a man

Back on the beat
back to the start
Trust in your heart
That's the measure of a man

You've come full cirlce
Now you're home
Without the gold, without the chrome
And this is where you've always been
You had to lose so you could win
And rise above your troubles while you can
Now you can love
Now you can lose
Now you can choose

That's the measure of a man

2007-07-06T00:24:00.000+05:30

As I listen to AR Rehman's Taj song about universal love for the n'th time in my auto loop, i sit n think. Think about a lot of my stuff which for now seems useless to write. When the closest and the furthest someone who would listen to you and feel you is you alone, there is nothing left to write after reaching that dead end. I don't think i would blame anyone. Its just me.

Posting a transcript of a conversation happening inside me as i sit and listen to Ek Mohabbat by AR Rehman.

M(ind): Can you love someone that you actually let them go because of that love?

H(eart): but would anyone know? Not Quite..

M: So?

H: do you know how it feels to let go of love?

M: *shrug*

M: So you what would be the change even if someone or a lot of them knew? How ould that change it? Are you beautiful only if THEY tell you?

H: You don't know how it feels. You don't know how it feels to be me

M: yes but i can touch the realities of this world.

H: and you dont even know whats between a memory and a dream, You don't know how it feels to be me.

M: *shrug*

H: heh ok and i'll talk about Tom Petty later, if someone would want to hear.

M: You think anyone cares about what you write or think or what happened with you yesterday?

M: Get real and Get a life.

H: Life,? Would i have one if i let go?

H: You know, M, i let go of most things hoping that someday all would even out and all things cannot be just one sided. Now after letting go of everyhting i am thinking of letting go of this ONE thing. The only thing i will ever have.

M: Well but life is not sunshine and rainbows

H: Looks around @ world

M: THEY and You, heh

H: I know what u mean *sinking feeling*

H: but noone knows what happened that lead to all this reality you like so much

M: You couldnt beat those odds. You Lost.

H: I just let go. Ive never spoken about those days to anyone.

M: yeah none would care anyway, heh

H: No i didnt tell anyone because of 2 reasons. One was that i didnt have anyone secondly do would i be good or bad if they tell me? I am ugly or beautiful only when i am judged?

M: *shug*

M: Ok what about AR Rehman?

H: Oh Yeah, the TAJ campaign. See they want people to vote. Would Taj be beautiful only if it wins the campaign?

M: I dont understand what you say.

H: I like the Taj but not because of its architecture. You know how many skilled people lost their lives while it was being built and after it was built? We talk of Love and how its a symbol of love but what about the love of those craftsmen for their craft. What happens to their love? Their love less than the king for his Queen? But se the irony here, the same emperor was forced to watch the Taj from a small window from his jail's small window after he was dethroned. He died while staring at it. Taj is beautiful, its white and its wonderful but do you see the filth around it? People want to vote and those same people would litter around when they visit the Taj next. They are happy that their vote made a winning bid. I dont need any vote or poll to tell me whats wonderful for me in this world. I am not going to vote. i do not belive in these polls. Taj wins or looses that poll, its would not matter one bit.

M: Arent you being kinda wierd? Its the & new wonders of the modern world. Its the biggest poll on the planet. everyone's voting.

H: You want me to do something that i cannot convince my heart into doing?

M: Your heart just has all those scars and future plans of letting go in silence.

H: Lets not talk about letting go, Not when we talk love and not when i listen to this Taj song and that one line *sigh*

M: This is the problem with you Mr. H

M: Look at me, i dont have such fancies

M: Reality!!

H: You don't know how it feels to be me.

M: I dont think you are going to vote. Just 1 day to go. Think about it.

H: *laugh*

H: The days ahead are going to be dark.

M: We were discussing Taj?

H: I dont't care.

H: Love is above the polls, the monuments, the world, the THEY, the Practicals of life, the Realities.

M: Typical H, heh

H: You don't know how it feels to be me.

Anyways for those of you who think M has a point, you can vote for you wonders of this world here and for those who think H has a point, well would it matter? heh

2007-07-01T23:57:00.000+05:30

I feel like i am going to die soon. I feel blank and without any enthusiasm at all. I feel this feeling is SO real right now. You cry when ur hurt because you want to be in the positive zone raher than the low but i dont feel like crying. i cant feel any difference.
All those tears would go to waste.
The world has already won and i just have to acknowledge it perhaps.
Concede defeat?
self Destruct?
but would that help? even if it is momentary, it can be worth it.
But i found some love?
Is that misplaced?
will it survive?
Would i just die?
Should i just wait?
or
i hate this.
I wish i had some hope, something.
i am trying all avenues.
All blocked?
Everything shows me one road
The road to destruction
or
would it be an end to the misery?
I had nothing in life but atleats i had some dreams which made me walk trough the abuses and the hatred and all the stuff i face each day.
Now i cant dream.
i feel dead already.

2007-07-01T15:27:00.000+05:30

Cliff!
but
Ohne dich kann ich nicht sein, Ohne dich
(Without you I cannot be, Without you)

2007-06-29T21:56:00.000+05:30

As the days move on, my desire to write is diminishing. But if i do not write here then i have no other outlet at all. Its been so long since i spoke. I do not know if writing helps in the long run but it might help momentarily. Help? I was having a shower some minutes ago and i was shivering. It was such a helpless feeling. The feeling you get when your body is staic but your mind wanders into the past and the present and feels nothingness. Yes feel and not touch. So you feel all those things which you were better off touching and you would never feel the other things.

I don't know what to write, ive been almost in a unbelieveably low state in the past one hour or so. Today after i overheard stuff another part of my spirit surely died. It would never be back again. It can never be the same again. No matter what the circumstances but my spirit is dying each moment. I try n stop it to bleed to death but wounds keep opening.

Helplessnes is the worst feeling in the world. Ive heard about trying and doing your best with good intent and it would bring in positive vibes. Thats good but all that ive only heard or read. I have never witnessed it. I dont think that is true. Its a facade. Basically lonliness attracts misery and thats it.

...A couple of days ago i was in such a different zone, I felt so human and so heroic within myself. I had a 50 minute conversation. Even if most of it was just listening but it was like feeling through someone else. Things that you can never feel otherwise. Its like you have a window and somone comes into its focus and shows u stuff from their lifes. Stuff that can be boring, or interesting or normal or abnormal but you close your eyes and feel it. What a wonderful feeling to feel something. and then reality hits you, and you look around. You look in the mirror and look at your face. I have 2 windows. Dont know for how long they would last but i like gazing through these two windows.

...and today in the last few hours my mind is looking at everything is such a helpless state. I thought i would talk to someone about it and then reality hits again.

The days ahead are going to be dark.

Self destruct in 3 months?

If you ever find out this reality of mine, would you ever call?

I am not scared of THAT reality. I would be content when it finally comes. Winning or loosing wont matter then. It would just be a physical act. An act of a someone who tried but who could never stand. Leave alone standing on a cliff.

Is all this pain worth it? This life is not worth it.
i feel dreamless
i feel blank
i cant take this hatred.
im crying.

2007-06-22T23:21:00.000+05:30

kasme vaade pyaar vafaa sab, baaten hain baaton kaa kyaa
koi kisi kaa nahin ye jhute, naate hain naaton kaa kyaa

Touch

2007-06-22T16:14:00.000+05:30

You can touch but you can never feel. But unless you feel, the act of touching is meaningless isn't it? Isnt Touch: The act of putting two things together with no space between them. heh

So i think about stuff in life that i would never be able to touch (feel). But why think of something thats not going to happen? why not think of something thats not surreal and something closer to reality. But what if i say i am fed up of thinking of the reality surrounding me. I fight it in my sleep, on my desk, in my thoughts, in my mind, in my head, in my talk, in my senses. In my heart i don't like it. but then this cannot be a story just like that. Its like watching a play from the middle. You just assume what might have happened in the past. If this is reality then i fail to acknowledge it at all. it cannot be because it means nothing.

So my reality is a result of some past which i don't recall but the nature does? well it sounds like giving up to the twist of fate or irony of fate or karma but nothing else makes much sense. Frankly i don't care about what happened in the past because my mind cannot read it, its been recycled. So u pay for something u dont even know. And then you hope u repay with each fading hope. You stand up, try n hope "oh this might work now". But perhaps the past is too steep. I dont regret it. If given a chance to find out the reason i wouldnt want to know. i would only want to know the reason about stuff in this present life form. but then that again is like watching the play from some tme interval to the other.

This was supposd to be the best years of my life? Youth remember? But Youth fades away like shadows into the night with each hole in the soul, heh. If i survive and grow old in my life, i would have changed much. The fun element has been deleted from my script. So even if i get all the riches or all the fun its not going to be worth it. I often think if this is really worth it all? Dont know where my Ayn Randism is in this moment of weakness.

I would trade that for one smile, one Touch, and possibly one *hug*. As the time flies by, as the world turns, as the world runs and wins yet again everytime i hear stories. i sit, i wait, for that one moment. That one touch, that would make me real.

Can you picture, what it will be? Ohh So limitless and free...

Fearless

2007-06-21T16:18:00.000+05:30

As i sit in bodily discomfort and mental scars today, i was thinking about the word 'Fearless'. So whats fearless? Is it the complete absence of fear from our mind or is it like ignoring the exsisitance of any fear?We face fears each day, we fight them. We are scared by some of them and not so scared by some of them but we choose to fight. why? I am not so sure.

So while i googled for some notes on Fear and bravery, i found out an Indian Soldier's diary. Although its got nothing to do with my quest for the word fear but i think the diary gives a very honest view of what life is and what life can be. We do take things for granted. Mostly we take freedom for granted. Anyways, here is the soldier's diary excerpts. n Btw you know what's like being fearless?

You say the hills too steep to climb
and
You think there is no way he can even try
But
I Climb the hill in my own way.
may be i just wait a while for the right day.

A Soldier's Diary

In Batalik, you can't breathe normally. There is less oxygen there. The air is rarified. The lungs scream for oxygen. The blood vessels cry for oxygen. At 15000-ft, you are not normal. You cannot be. The human body is attuned to a certain altitude.

And that's where our soldiers are. Fighting the enemy. Facing the bullets. Dying alone in the snow. Falling to death from the high ridges. No one hears their scream. It's such a lonely death. A tiny piece of metal is all what it takes to die.

They are our infantrymen. The finest in the world. No other soldier has ever fought at these heights. At 15000ft, they can't move with ease. In Batalik, there are no tracks. Climb. Clamber. Crawl. A soldier carries a week's ration, ammunition, a 5.56mm assault rifle or a mortar or a rocket launcher. He carries over 20 kgs on his back as he pulls himself up on this rugged, cruel terrain.They are fighting a war - a war which has been forced on India.

They are doing what any soldier would do for their motherland. They have promised themselves that they will not rest until all the land occupied by the pakistani army is taken back - until the tri-color flys happily over what is Indian land under pakistani possesion.

He doesn't sleep. He doesn't have time to eat. He doesn't have time to urinate. Life is not what it is. Life is a shell. It is the terror of death. It is the courage of facing it. It is fear, raw, unalloyed, unrelenting.... the enemy is up there, somewhere hidden. It can see you, can track you down like a rat, can pick you out so effortlessly...and yet these men move, slowly but with determination to fight for the nation. To die for the nation.

You know how it feels to be up there in the cold, cold mountains, carrying a heavy backpack with a gnawing fear that you will never see your eight-year-old daughter. That sweet little thing with a ponytail and a smile that lights up your world. You may not hear her giggles, see her climb your shoulder, run around, throw her dolls in anger, paint the walls in doodles.... You will not be there for her.

You know what fear is. That is the fear. Not being there. Death is not what matters. What matter is that you will not matter anymore. And yet the soldiers go up the hills, like the charge of the light brigade, never asking questions, never expecting an answer. They know they have a duty, they have a pledge, they have a promise to keep. Their tryst with destiny.

It is not easy to imagine a soldier, an infantry man's life up there in Batalik, where the wind can sear your windpipe, chill your brains, make your eyes weep with pain and lungs cry out in sheer exhaustion. Brave. That is what these soldiers are. Brave in the face of death. Brave in the face of fear. Facing bullets. One hundered & Eighty of them are dead. Many more will die. Let not their death go waste, unacknowledged.

This was written by a Indian Army officer who participated in the Kargil War in 1999. The officer died in the fighting and this article was found in his diary.

Blan(c)k

2007-06-17T18:39:00.000+05:30

It was quiet and the wind stood still
I spent some time with nature
To remind me of all thats real
Its funny how silence speaks sometimes when youre alone
And remember that you feel

Again I stand, against the faceless man.

So which way will the coin fall? I fear for the worst and still hope that i can see some light after the long blackness, the blankness. Cause if dont see the light, I know Ill have to walk alone. And if I walk alone to the other side, I know I might not make it home.

So people ask me, Oh wtf are u upto? What do u keep doing? Ur pic? whats wrong? Well, the Blackness is a reflection. Its a rather true and honest reflection which perhaps most people would not be able to relate. Yeah and why would anyone want to relate in the first place? Its a selfish world. Its like that video, "Survival Of The Fittest". But whats Survival? To exsist? To breathe? To be content and happy that you have two arms and legs and two eyes which some unlucky ones do not have?
You have a phone that never rings and each day you hope it would? but u tell yourself that your oh so lucky that atleast u have a phone.

You have plans in your head which never take shape because you cannot see the light with all the darkness, so youre supposed to tell yourself that atleast u have a mind and atleast u have a plan?

Hell No, thats exactly the point. Its the biggest sin to know you have better things to offer yourself but you are engulfed in a fever of darkness, some old clouds, some new ones. If one is dumb, he can be happy within himself but if you dont consider yourself to be like most of the others you see around you then youre either dumber or smarter?

Ok then how do we know you are smarter? Hell you man, you cant even make a phone call. Your are fucked up in ur mind because of your fears. Hell you have to think 10 times before u call, hell u feel so fucking dejected after the call and hell you still pretend and sound normal and cheesy. Hell would anyone know what that meant? The amount of prepration that went into that small routine act like making that phone call? Hell you still imagine abt that "crack of voice" *Laugh* and wonder. You wonder about the mystery of the crack. You shrug and go back to your routine shit of fighting fears and then u think about the faceless man again.

Hell you were black (with some mild white line flowing, heh @ db) and now you are blan(c)k. You stare at your phone. You would then go out and stare at the sun. and then in the night, The wind would cry back in the silent night...

Is This The End?

2007-05-29T19:34:00.000+05:30

Dhadkane khaamosh hain, kuch kehti nahi
yeh aakhari alvida na ho..

jo khauf hai aankhon se, aankhon se kehne do,
dukh ki nadi chup chaap behne do

jo kehna hai tum dheere se keh do
yeh aakhari alvida na ho..

The Day After

2007-04-12T20:01:00.000+05:30

But the day after is darker,
And deeper and deeper it goes,
Who knows, maybe it's all a dream,
Who knows if I'll wake up and scream.

Phoenixization

2007-02-03T22:51:00.000+05:30

After reading these lines , i am looking at everything from a new dimension. I think these cover all those silent dark moments when i heard the wind cry back.

The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you.

Old Wine, New Bottle

2007-01-08T23:26:00.000+05:30

So yet another year went by. It was supposed to be one of the bestest years of my life. If that was the best, i am not too keen to look forward for the rest. Interstingly the year started with a small hug from somone who has just explored me from the outside, not sure if it would have been the same if i would have been myself. From about a week before yuletide i have been thinking about surrender. I think i have in a way realised that there is no cliff and there is no perfect script for me atleast. I am not sure if my conclusion is worth it or not and thats exactly the reason why ive been looking for someone who would give me an honest opinion. Although i just have only one soul who talks back to me in the real sense and needless to say ive been looking around for her. Not sure when we meet i would talk much. May be i would just want to sit silently with her by my side for some time if thats not for too much.
I met some iceboy's i knew earlier last week. Comparing the ground realities was so funny. I dont care much about material stuff but just a glance was enough to conclude that i was in no league at all. Hence no comparisons.
Empty days, empty cold nights, hollow dreams, sad realities. I have not even experienced the other side of life. It would need something more than a miracle for it to be scripted that way. Its like first comitting all faults and errors and then play a perfect match. It doesnt happen like that, neither in sport nor in life i guess.
This blog is so depressing and shit. I hate coming back to it, heh. I just want to freeze that one moment in time that cold night. That might be my only high for a long time.

In Spirit

2006-12-12T23:46:00.000+05:30

There are days (in everyone's life I presume) when even small things need some sort of a motivation to be achieved. Different people call it differently. Usually the long day dies eventually and the sun rises back on, at times with no real cry. Sometimes these days are clubbed together and then move into weeks. In my last post I had mentioned about giving myself a motivational overdose. My motivation is not to read a self help book or listen to some psychologist or something. My methods are simple little stuff that ive stacked over the years. Quite simply this post means that all that overdose has not worked. Sometimes just talking to someone close can help perhaps. I don't know if that would work for me because I have never been talking to anyone. I even read that joining the dots thing in a loop,heh. I am seeing myself as a third party now. There is me, myself and the world. I have been looking inside of me. I sit in the cold and stare at the nothingness deep inside of me. I don't sit and crib to be very honest. I just sit. I have no one incident to mention. Its just the whole aura of everything thats been happening. Sometimes its so humbling that I stop myself from mailing or messaging although i know there is none apart from her who would listen or understand. You know that new Norah song should be nice. I wish I could hear it. I had always wanted to see her perform live. I know I wont get a chance. Even if I do get a chance, I wont go I think.
Seems like a long post tonite. I see the cold coming up in sort of waves through the broken glass in my windows. The dark smog building and dogs in the distance. On the other side the amber lights talk about the construction workers building those flashy buildings from the nothingness. Apart from that there is a silent cold breeze. I cry to it, it cries back to me:)

Script?

2006-12-03T23:45:00.000+05:30

"This is not how how it ends"
Me: Are you sure?

Another Day's over and the silent wind still cries back into my skin. I want to stare back into this darkness but i find myself fading into it slowly. i am sitting still and waiting. May be this is the script. If i have tyo go down i want to go down staring. I have seen the body crumble. i do not want to see my spirit in captive. Thats the only thing i have. Its my only partner. I tried all old things which i used to do to motivate my spirit when in a crisis. Things which always worked but only this time they are not working. I am trying to give myself an overdose for now.

Illusion?

2006-11-07T13:29:00.000+05:30

Cause I see the storm getting closer
And the waves they get so high
Seems everything We've ever known's here
Why must it drift away and die?

Who Me?

2006-10-27T11:26:00.000+05:30

Just like a blind man in a dark room searching for a black cat which isn't there.

Lonestar

2006-10-23T22:33:00.000+05:30

Bichhad Gayaa Har Saathi Dekar
Pal Do Pal Kaa Saath

Kisko Fursat Hai Jo Thaame
Deewanon Ka Haath

Hamko To Apna Saaya
Aqsar Bezaar Milaa

Jaane Vo Kaise Log The Jinke
Pyaar Ko Pyaar Milaa

Prison

2006-10-01T21:10:00.000+05:30

I created my own prison? Is it pushing me towards the end? I want one moment of silence and peace. I want to be alone but not isolated in this prison. I have been flipping my phone book today. I want to go out, i need to but there is nothing, none. I want to talk, i need to, but noone again. I dont think i want to live like this anymore. Either this has to change or it ends.

Wilson

2006-09-26T14:14:00.000+05:30

'I don’t know how you survive'

I don’t know if those lines just pierced me. There have been so many things, so many lines that have gone through me that may be its becoming habitual? I am just asking myself some questions...

This post is about Wilson, the volleyball. You know there are a few lines which stands out for me. I will post them below...

You wouldn't have a match by any chance would you?

Hey, you want to hear something funny? My dentist's name is James Spalding.

Are You Still Awake?...... Me Too

Are You Scared?.........Me Too

Don't worry Wilson, I'll do all the paddling. You just hang on.

"Where's Wilson? Where's Wilson? Wilson, where are you? Wilson! Wilson! Wilson! Wilson! I'm coming'! Wilson! I... Wilson! Wilson! (Gurgling) Wilson! Wilson! Wilson! (Gasping, Panting, Coughs) Wilson! Wilson! I'm sorry! I'm sorry, Wilson! Wilson, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Wilson! I can't! Wilson! Wilson!"

Keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?

So Come and Go

2006-09-21T10:53:00.000+05:30

I woke up this morning and saw your messages. I dont know how this is related but after reading them i just thought of this song which was buried in one of those unmarked cd's. Although i could not get the full album (which i dont think i have).I had this album on tape long time ago but then it was lost in transit and i still remember that. There is so much i lost in transit but would talk about that some other time. Talk? *Reality Check*
Anyways so coming back to the post, i know how it is to live with million thougts running into your head to bring you to that low while deep inside you hope.
It is like a faceless man speaking whispering into your ear. But there are a few choices invloved. It's funny how silence speaks sometimes when you're alone.

look in the eyes
of the face of love
no, nothing dies
within pure light

Db: Your love would never die!

Quest?

2006-09-16T20:25:00.000+05:30

Ye mere sapne, yahi to hain apne
Mujhse judaa na honge inke ye saaye
Inke ye saaye

Surprise

2006-09-05T20:04:00.000+05:30

The day is almost done
Where is the fcuking surprise?

Explain...

2006-08-24T22:46:00.000+05:30

How do you explain your urge to visit those pages knowing the fact that you would be traced. Is it some kind of a Sadistic feeling?
How does it feel... How does it feel?
Does it feel?
i wish i could talk about this to someone.

Free Falling

2006-08-22T21:42:00.000+05:30

I have found out that nothing matters in the end. No vibes are ever accumulated. yeah i have accumulated a lot of stuff inside me but all i have is a faceless face to share it with. its wierd when you can see youself being sucked into a real black hole but you try each passing day. There is no hope but you muster all the heroism to start trying with every breath. There are momentary setbacks but your climb continues but only one small problem, the mind doesnt not believe you. i have always supressed my voilent side but its not in my power anymore. From now on there is going to be a sharp fall. There is going to be no more climb. May be i can atleast witness some free fall and instead of stopping it just fall freely into the hole.

Samvedna

2006-08-18T00:54:00.000+05:30

Kya khoya kya paya jag mein
Milte aur bichhadte mag mein
Mujhe kisi se nahin shikayat
Yadyapi chhala gaya pag-pag mein

What gained in life, what lost
At crossroads meet, at crossroads part
I Blame Noone
Despite deceit at every step...

Extract taken from a poem written by Atal Behari Vajpayee

The Final Cut

2006-08-11T00:02:00.000+05:30

I dont think i would want to contribute anything here for now. I might change my mind but i do not know if that would happen.For now i have nothing to say, nothing to add here. This place is as good as dead for me for now.
For this last post i am just posting lyrics of this song i am listening to. It does not sum up my mind set totaly but to some extent its close in some ways.

Tere bin main yun kaise jiya
Kaise jiya tere bin
Lekar yaad teri raaten meri kati
Mujhse baaten teri karti hai chaandani
Tanha hai tujh bin raaten meri
Din mere din ke jaise nahi
Tanha badan, tanha hai ruh, nam meri aankhen rahe
Aaja mere ab rubaru
Jeena nahi bin tere
Tere bin main yun kaise jiya

Kabse aankhen meri raah mein tere bichhi
Bhule se hi kahi tu mil jaaye kabhi
Bhule na mujhse baaten teri
Bheegi hai har pal aankhen meri
Kyun saans loon kyun main jiyu
Jeena bura sa lage
Kyun ho gaya tu bewafaaa mujhko bata de wajah
Tere bin main yun kaise jiya
Kaise jiya tere bin ...

Listen to this song Here

Distant Cliff

2006-07-26T19:07:00.000+05:30

"A Man's Character Is The Product Of His Premises".

Ban

2006-07-26T19:02:00.000+05:30

The so called blanket ban on some blog sites have been lifted but my ISP is still blocking this site. That explains the long silence. Hopefully will try n post more now.

Memory

2006-06-03T15:41:00.000+05:30

It doesn't pay to try
All the smart boys know why
It doesn't mean I didn't try
I just never know why

Can't put your arms around a memory

Modern Icarus?

2006-04-20T23:59:00.000+05:30

"when Icarus fell
it was spring
a farmer was ploughing
his field
the whole pageantry
of the year was
awake tingling
near
the edge of the sea
concerned
with itself
sweating in the sun
that melted
the wings' wax
unsignificantly
off the coast
there was
a splash quite unnoticed
this was
Icarus drowning"

Run Rabbit Run

2006-03-29T21:19:00.000+05:30

I have been into what I might call an Observation Mode for the last few days. I was out observing people, places, circumstances, businesses and Finances. And now that I am back at my desk I have a range of mixed feelings moving inside my head. Before getting into the complexities of my observations this was a good reality check for me. I wish I had these reality checks more often but for now there are questions to be faced and a plan of action to be prepared.

Fear, when faced with a fearful situation the best way is to face it upfront without any feelings. On that theory I decided to walk into a posh Multiplex showing a movie which normally I would never never go in for. I was just trying to see how far can it go wrong and *laugh* it did went wrong again in the end. So then I decided to walk in the sun for the whole day. Walking through the busy lanes, through the elite restaurants and all the poverty and dirt, through the bylanes of shopping malls and economical shopping centers. Observing people walking past me not knowing that they were in a way walking past me in a sense of nakedness without any idea whatsoever, or may be it didn't quite matter because the reality was shining so clearly in that hot day's sun. Incidentally I recalled the title of my blog 'Staring at the Sun'. Now I am wondering if I haven't grown one bit from the time I started this blog or have I finished a full circle?

Echoes

2006-02-19T08:58:00.000+05:30

Nothing takes the past away
Like the future

Nothing makes the darkness go
Like the light

You’re shelter from the storm
Give me comfort in your arms

Mind Blogging

2006-02-09T19:16:00.000+05:30

Have you ever had a dream that you were so sure was real?

Now, what if you were unable to wake from that dream? How would you then know the difference between the dream world and the real world?

These lines are not just a simple quote from the Matrix but these lines actually sum up some of my thoughts in a very clear way. May be those of you who do not know me closely wouldn't quite really understand what I am trying to say here but that should not stop me from expressing myself today. *Laugh*

I would now want to just laugh at the things that have happened to me today and at the things that happened in the immediate past or even in the distant past for that matter. Also at all the things that now lay ahead. Days ahead are going to be difficult for me. There are questions to be faced and a plan of action to be prepared. I also know that I should not be thinking about all that. May be I shouldn't be thinking at all. I am trying to consider it but I am being a bit careless here now.

Ok so coming back to the Matrix, What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong. You don't know what it is, but its there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. Remember the part when the character of Morpheus says, you’ve been living in a dream world. He is so very right. We all are in a way. What more our heroes push us into dreaming and then believing that what we dream we will or we can achieve someday and then work towards making your dream real. But I now want to Stand up and see for myself and perhaps see myself from a different perspective. After all there is a definite difference between knowing the path and walking the path.

When I interact with people (I mean people whom I really think are fit enough to interact with). Ok, no I am not an egoistic rude fcuker but one thing that really turns me on or clicks for me is intelligence. Time has made me feel more artistic in my own way than ive ever been. Anyways so coming back to interaction with people, one question which ive heard a lot of amusing and fascinating answers is when I ask people so, whets your one big dream? I never answered them somehow, may be because no one ever asked me. But today I want to write about it in a small way and I hope that I don't hide it in a prose. But very honestly ive never had a dream, may be I should say that I don't just have a dream but I have dreamed a dream.

Ive been considering for a long time about a number of things related to my dream. Is it worth fighting for? Is that worth dying for? Well, u would say it would depend on how badly you want to achieve it. But ive always felt that unless I enjoy the journey it’s going to be a torture even if the destination turns out to be Silky smooth. May be I was just waiting for some sounds of inevitability but all this while I feel like ive been living two lives. One in flesh and blood and the other I behind this thinking mind. But only one of these lives has a future, and one of them does not. Night after night I am sitting by your computer but my first mask is slowly taking over my mind. I am really trying to get the second mask take over my mind and heart. This is a constant struggle within me these days.

I know that the answer is out there and it's looking for me and it will find me only if I just allow it to. In the coming days I am going to try with all my might the let the answer find me and then move along on my special journey to the place where dreams can breed.

This is not some god damn dreamy talk or bullshit, I know it has a prose behind it all and I don't even know the reason to add this to my blog because I hardly have any visitors here but today I just wrote this because I wanted to write just like I wanted to laugh earlier in my blog.

Cheers ;)

You

2006-02-07T08:22:00.000+05:30

You can have your fears, you can have your moments of doubt, but you can never be a coward. You have to face your fears, you have to overcome your moments of doubt, you have to believe that if you look for it there is always a solution. If you really want something, the whole universe is going to conspire to help you. But to do that, you have to be brave. Brave enough to fight for things that are meaningful to you. Not meaningful to A, B or C, but to you.

Stay Hungry Stay Foolish

2006-01-25T21:02:00.000+05:30

The Commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer delivered on June 12, 2005.

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.
And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition.
After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK.
It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on.
Let me give you one example:Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do.
Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.
You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired.

How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley.

But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I retuned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love.

And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.

Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months.

My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there.
And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice.

And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous.
Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.And I have always wished that for myself.

The Long Day

2006-01-13T22:33:00.000+05:30

The wind is gone
Asleep at dawn
The embers burn on
With no reprise

Fly

2006-01-11T01:42:00.000+05:30

Trying hard now
it's so hard now
trying hard now

Getting strong now
won't be long now
getting strong now

Gonna fly now
flying high now
gonna fly, fly, fly...

Whispering Wind

2006-01-05T00:01:00.000+05:30

So we are here finally, into yet another new year. The last year was just a reflection of flame in my heart and the prose to go with it in some ways underlining some facts that i couldn’t just fill. So like all new beginnings I hope this year I can just get my act together in some ways and possibly a new day will dawn and the forests will echo with laughter this year. Laughter? Does anyone remember laughter? Yeah it was more like the punch line for the year gone by.
But now its time wave Goodbye and Good Riddance to Bad Luck. Umm well wonder what's coming next just as I decide to throw down the gates.

On a non prose note this year is a make or break year in a lot of terms. I’ve been actually looking forward to see what I do with myself over the next few months. It won’t be wrong if I say I’d be a companion with you in this blog for this year.

I hope we announce some day soon that he has finally arrived. And yes, I think that day is coming soon.

Happy New Year

Again

2005-11-18T00:02:00.000+05:30

I could almost go there
Just to watch you be seen

I could almost go there
Just to live in a dream

I can't help myself
I've got to see you again

Close To My Heart

2005-11-01T23:03:00.000+05:30

Jaane Woh Kaise Log The Jinke Pyar Ko Pyar Mila
Humne To Jab Kaliyaan Maangi Kaaton Ka Haar Mila

Khushiyon Ki Manzil Dhoondhi to Gham ki Dard Mili
Chahat Ke Nagme Chahe to Aahen Sard Mili

Bichhad Gayaa Har Saathi Dekar Pal Do Pal Ka Saath
Kisko Phursat Hai Jo Thaame Deewano Ka Haath

Humko Apna Saaya Tak Aqsar Bezaar Mila
Humne To Jab...Kaliyaan Maangi Kaaton Ka Haar Mila

Unveil

2005-11-01T20:39:00.000+05:30

So, you think you can tell?
Heaven from Hell, Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?

Skin The Sun

2005-10-05T14:07:00.000+05:30

My heart is broke
But I have some glue
Help me inhale
And mend it with you
We'll float around
Hang out on clouds
Then we'll come down
And have a hangover...

Skin the sun
Fall asleep
Wish away
The soul is cheap
Lesson learned
Wish me luck
Soothe the burn
Wake me up!!

Total Eclipse Of The Heart

2005-09-30T13:03:00.000+05:30

I got too much life
Running through my veins
Going to waste

I got too much love
Running through my veins
To go to waste

New Born

2005-09-26T23:15:00.000+05:30

Link it to the world

Link it to yourself

Strech it like a birth squeeze

The love for what you hide

The bitterness inside Is growing like the newborn

Destroy the spineless

Show me it´s real

Wasting our last chance to come away

Just break the silence

´Cause i´m drifting away

Away from you

............ Don't try too hard to think... don't think at all

Two Suns in The Sunset

2005-08-19T23:11:00.000+05:30

In many myths and folk tales, a hero is a man traditionally the protagonist of a story, legend or saga, who commonly possesses abilities or character far greater than that of a typical person, which enable him or her to perform some extraordinary deed.
These powers are sometimes not only of the body but also of the mind.

like the moment when your brakes lock
and you slide toward the big truck
and stretch the frozen moments with your fear
but you were not hearing their voices
and you were not seeing their faces

The mind tries to understand the possible decline of its heroics.
The body every moment recalls the decline of the mind.
Mind and body feel out of synch.

Motor Of My World

2005-07-07T00:06:00.000+05:30

Kahin To Yeh Dil Kabhi Mil Nahin Paate
Kahin Se Nikal Aayen Janmon Ke Naate.
Yeh Mere Sapne, Yehi To hein Apne
Mujh Se Juda Na honge, Inke Yeh Saaye.
Inke Yeh Saaye

Thought For The day

2005-07-06T23:13:00.000+05:30

Sometimes, the thinking that has got us so far is inadequate to handle the problems of the place our thinking has got us to!

Faceless

2005-06-06T23:09:00.000+05:30

I stand against the Faceless Man
'Cause if the face inside can't see the light
I know I'll have to walk alone
And if I walk alone to the other side
I know I might not make it home

Other Side Of The Mountain Interval

2005-01-11T13:00:00.000+05:30

Yeh Pal Hai Wahi, Jisme Hai Chuppi
Poori Ek Sadi,Saari Zindagi.
Tu na pooch Raaste Mein Kahe,
Aaye hein Is Tarah Do-Raahien.
Tu hi To hai Rah Jo Sujhaye,
Tu hi To hai Ab jo Yeh Bataye,
Jayeen To Kis Disha mein Jaayen.

special thanx to "db" for Mountain Interval.

No Surrender

2004-11-09T15:33:00.000+05:30

In the warrior's code, there's no surrender
Though his body says stop, his spirit cries never
Deep in our soul a quiet ember
Knows it's you against you
It’s the paradox that drives us on
It's a battle of wills, in the heat of attack
It's the passion that kills
The victory is yours alone

Ayn Rand

2004-10-22T08:15:00.000+05:30

My philosophy, in essence, is the concept of man as a heroic being, with his own happiness as the moral purpose of his life, with productive achievement as his noblest activity, and reason as his only absolute.

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplacable spark. In the hopeless swamps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all , do not let the hero in your soul perish and leave only frustration for the life you deserved, but never have been able to reach.

The world you desire can be won,
it exists
it is real
it is possible
And it is yours...

Tainted

2004-08-15T11:34:00.000+05:30

No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies

But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool

If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
If I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat

No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes

In Need

2004-08-14T22:37:00.000+05:30

Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free
Desperately in need...of some...stranger's hand
In a...desperate land